The Jokes Thread

[Dutch]

A guy receives a text message from his girlfriend at 8pm.


8.00pm......You prefer football to me don't you?

10.00pm....Of course not!

This isn’t funny, simply accurate

A variation:

A girl receives a message from her boyfriend at 9 O clock in the morning: shall we meet at lunch?

The guy receives between 09:01 and 0915 no fewer than 33 text messages ranging from you don't love me to why don't you ever fix that cupboard.

 

[Princess Saffron]

What has a nut in every bite....

....Squirrel shit!

 

[A.P Haux]

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"The Inturrupting bot"
"The Inturrupting.......
"BEEP BEEP"

I know it's not a good one but I posted it anyway.

 

[A.P Haux]

Flash: So, what's your superpower again?
Pakistan: We're unpredictable.

 

[A.P Haux]

Boy: Oh my gosh you are so beautiful!
Girl: Pffft, tell me something that I don't know.
Boy: Okay. What do you know about the theory of relativity and quantum mechanics?
Girl: Errrr. Goodbye weirdo.
Boy: Wait! Let us talk about the heisenberg uncertainty! Let us talk about........

And the poor boy never found a new date. The End.

 

[Master Bates]

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife:
Wife: How many women have u slept with?
Husband: Only you darling, I was awake with the other women.

 

[Princess Saffron]

The Queen and the Pope were in a horse drawn carriage going through London, suddenly one of the horses farted really loudly, the Queen looking very embarrassed turns to the pope, 'I'm so sorry', she says, 'it's ok', says the Pope, 'if you hadn't said anything i would've thought it was one of the horses'.

 

[Willoughby63]

My three favourite short jokes:
I couldn’t work out why the ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo... So I had to put my foot down.

And finally a more confusing one that you may take a while to get:

Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

A: Aye Matey

 

[Princess Saffron]

An old lady is on the bus, as she gets off she says to the driver 'have these peanuts young man' and she hands him a bag of peanuts, 'thank you, says the driver and he eats them.
The next day the old lady is on the same bus with the same driver, as she gets off she has another bag of peanuts, 'i have another bag of peanuts for you', she says as she hands them over to the driver, 'thank you dear i enjoyed the last peanuts you gave me', so he took them and again eats them.
The next day the old lady is on the bus again with the same drver, again she hands him a bag of peanuts, 'thank you', says the driver, 'but can i ask why you give me your peanuts', 'because i don't like them', replies the old lady, 'but why buy them if you don't like them', asks the driver, the old lady looks at him and replies 'because i like the chocolate that covers them'!!

 

[Master Bates]

An old lady is on the bus, as she gets off she says to the driver 'have these peanuts young man' and she hands him a bag of peanuts, 'thank you, says the driver and he eats them.
The next day the old lady is on the same bus with the same driver, as she gets off she has another bag of peanuts, 'i have another bag of peanuts for you', she says as she hands them over to the driver, 'thank you dear i enjoyed the last peanuts you gave me', so he took them and again eats them.
The next day the old lady is on the bus again with the same drver, again she hands him a bag of peanuts, 'thank you', says the driver, 'but can i ask why you give me your peanuts', 'because i don't like them', replies the old lady, 'but why buy them if you don't like them', asks the driver, the old lady looks at him and replies 'because i like the chocolate that covers them'!!

Is the chocolate what I thought it is?

 

[Princess Saffron]

Is the chocolate what I thought it is?

The peanuts are chocolate peanuts, the old lady sucked the chocolate off first then gave the peanuts to the driver!

 

[A.P Haux]

The optimist saw the light and thought it was their way out of this darkness. The pessimist saw the light and thought it was the light that would lead them to doom. The train driver saw two morons lying on the train tracks and thought "oh shit here we go again".

 

[AsadRM]

The optimist saw the light and thought it was their way out of this darkness. The pessimist saw the light and thought it was the light that would lead them to doom. The train driver saw two morons lying on the train tracks and thought "oh shit here we go again".

Wow. ROFL

 

[Elite101]

Real Truth:

What happen if we put water in the Sun?

Ans:But there's no air in space, and water can't stop the thermonuclear reactions that cause the sun to burn. ... Our huge glass of water would actually make the sun get hotter and burn 6 times brighter. - Pouring our gigantic glass of water onto the sun won't extinguish it, but it will actually create a whole new sun

This will only happen If we managed to reach and do this

 

[A.P Haux]

Real Truth:

What happen if we put water in the Sun?

Ans:But there's no air in space, and water can't stop the thermonuclear reactions that cause the sun to burn. ... Our huge glass of water would actually make the sun get hotter and burn 6 times brighter. - Pouring our gigantic glass of water onto the sun won't extinguish it, but it will actually create a whole new sun

This will only happen If we managed to reach and do this

I don't think that will be a good idea. We are unable to handle the heat generated from 1 sun, 2 suns will be a disaster. Maybe it has been done already. Maybe the sun we see is actually enlarged by a glass of water XD

 

[Elite101]

Conclusion:A Glass of water on sun will end our life on earth due to Sun 6 times hotter and brighter if we managed to do that

Perhaps we may do if suns power,light fades in later days We can to do this to keep sun alive before it runs out of fuel and become a Red Giant
covering the half of solar system and destroying all its way

Note:If humans existed till that time