qpeedore
SOTM Winner - July 2014
(Entirely fictional, yet...I swear I've had parts of this conversation with real people more than once before.)
[Open scene.
Two friends, A and B, and sitting in A's living room. The local sports channel is gearing up for the latest T20 match in the Fictitious Premier League (sponsored by We-control-your-ad-time-so-shut-up) between Lotsa Sixes and Outta D Park, Inc. (R)(TM)(patent pending).
A is an avid cricket fan, A is for Avid, After All. B is not. He lost a Big Bet and now has to watch a Boring Batting Bummer.
A is excited, gesturing wildly to the TV screen.]
A: Look, they're going to start.
B: Finally, some action. I was getting tired of tire commercials, and random blimps and cell phone ads featuring vaguely homoerotic tones...
A: Shut up. Those two are best friends in the real world.
B: Okay.
[Highlights of the previous day's matches play. A takes to commentary duty, which may or may not be a good thing since all they show is sixes in these things anyway.]
A: What a shot! A We-control-your-ad-time-so-shut-up Big Hit! (R)(TM)!
[B continues to shut up as commanded. Eventually the welcoming gestures are over and the teams are shown.]
A: Okay, let me teach you a bit about cricket. See the Lotsa Sixes lineup? 11 players, right? Some are batsmen, some are bowlers. Now they show you the Outta D Park lineup. They're discussing team changes and injuries, etc.
B: So far, so good. This is a season of this cricket thing after all. Players come in and out based on form and injuries. Everyone has their role and it all depends on who's the best to fill that role.
A: Good! You're getting it. Now for the pitch report and weather. Hmm. Good bounce.
B: Because in cricket the ball is allowed to bounce.
A: You're a fan already! Now bounce is good either way, because the batsmen love the ball coming onto the bat, but bowlers like a bit of bounce as well. And the weather is perfect. Not a cloud ahead. Now...the toss...
B: That determines...?
A: Who bats first. See, the captains, and match referee are going to be a part of the toss. And the commentator.
B: Announcer.
A: Commentator.
B: Whatever.
[A rather chunky ex-fast bowler hands the coin to an equally-chunky ex-legspinner who tosses it into the air. It flips exactly three times before landing and rolling on the ground for some distance, forcing the cameraman to scurry away like the coin is radioactive. Or has cooties.]
A: Heads is the call...and it's heads. I'd bat first. And he is batting first. Good decision. Get runs on the board. The dew shouldn't be a factor later on.
B: Right, you never explained that entire thing to me.
A: In time, buddy, in time.
B: Whatever.
[A dreadlocked man dressed in colours that are way too bright is plastering hapless bowlers all over the park. Being a highlight package, though, it only shows the plastering, and not the embarrassing ways he got out in between.]
A: Okay so while the openers get ready they're showing key moments from previous matches. See that guy there?
B: The guy who's hitting the ball all over while some dude in a thick Indian accent screams at me about six and maximum while some other English dude tells him to calm down? Yeah, I see him.
A: Right. He's the Outta D Park best batsman. He also opens. So it's going to be key to get him out early. His name's Cristobel Tornado.
B: Sounds like a heaven for bad-pun-writers.
A: It's always "A Tornado Has Landed!" He once made, like, I swear, 150 runs in 50 balls. When he hits it, it stays hit. But he has his weaknesses. Left arm seamers for example.
B: I'll pretend to know what you're talking about.
A: Look here, back in the first season, Charmander Vespa kept getting him out. And these days it's people like Paneer Khannot who give him trouble.
B: Uh huh.
[Cut to the opposite team's big batsman, an even taller, even more heavily-built man with random messages cut into his hairstyle. Bad hair aside, however, he too is belting people all over, including one into the road where it narrowly avoids a wedding procession.]
A: Now from Lotsa Sixes we got this guy, Keys-to-the-city Pullhard. He's another massive hitter. Back in the day he kept thinking every ball needed to be a boundary, so he would either go big or get out. But recently he's matured. So he's actually grown a brain.
B: I thought your brain stopped growing at the age of 18? But anyway this Pullhard guy seems very similar to Tornado. Both tall and dark.
A: They're both from the Windys. See, same country...well, region, but this is like club football. Guys from the same country can play against each other.
B: Football! You know the Waterchestnut Derby is today, right?
[B retreats into his thoughts a little, thinking of his magical game of football. Kick or head the ball into the goal. Dive on the turf at the slightest whisper of a touch. Worship men who spend more on their eyebrow waxings than most women spend in their entire lives. How hard was that to explain to a non-believer? One thing was certain to him, most ex-footballers do not get as chunky as ex-cricketers.]
A: You lost the bet, sorry.
B: How was I to know you could actually EAT a mouse and not die!? Admittedly you DID buy it in the pet store and asked your schizophrenic uncle to cook it for you. I would have thought the mouse was the least poisonous thing in that meal, to be honest.
A: In some countries it's a delicacy. Mouse burgers are awesome! Just...too many tiny bones. Anyway, look...we're ready to start. The guys are out there and the umpire has tossed the new ball to the bowler.
(Okay...do I continue from here or not? This is a start. I actually have plans for the entire match, post match and everything. Just a little bit of humour in our very confusing game as it often seems to our heathen non-cricketing friends...)
PS - I would ideally have loved to put this in the Cricket Stories Forum, but I don't want to be seen as degrading to the stories and story-writers there. It sort of IS a cricket story though. Just not one based on a sim.
PSS - This was only a teaser. Based on responses I will continue. THIS, I will actually format properly and use different colours, bold, etc for the different parts. I just wanted to know if this would be something people might be interested in seeing continue. Feedback is more than appreciated, it's a necessity.
[Open scene.
Two friends, A and B, and sitting in A's living room. The local sports channel is gearing up for the latest T20 match in the Fictitious Premier League (sponsored by We-control-your-ad-time-so-shut-up) between Lotsa Sixes and Outta D Park, Inc. (R)(TM)(patent pending).
A is an avid cricket fan, A is for Avid, After All. B is not. He lost a Big Bet and now has to watch a Boring Batting Bummer.
A is excited, gesturing wildly to the TV screen.]
A: Look, they're going to start.
B: Finally, some action. I was getting tired of tire commercials, and random blimps and cell phone ads featuring vaguely homoerotic tones...
A: Shut up. Those two are best friends in the real world.
B: Okay.
[Highlights of the previous day's matches play. A takes to commentary duty, which may or may not be a good thing since all they show is sixes in these things anyway.]
A: What a shot! A We-control-your-ad-time-so-shut-up Big Hit! (R)(TM)!
[B continues to shut up as commanded. Eventually the welcoming gestures are over and the teams are shown.]
A: Okay, let me teach you a bit about cricket. See the Lotsa Sixes lineup? 11 players, right? Some are batsmen, some are bowlers. Now they show you the Outta D Park lineup. They're discussing team changes and injuries, etc.
B: So far, so good. This is a season of this cricket thing after all. Players come in and out based on form and injuries. Everyone has their role and it all depends on who's the best to fill that role.
A: Good! You're getting it. Now for the pitch report and weather. Hmm. Good bounce.
B: Because in cricket the ball is allowed to bounce.
A: You're a fan already! Now bounce is good either way, because the batsmen love the ball coming onto the bat, but bowlers like a bit of bounce as well. And the weather is perfect. Not a cloud ahead. Now...the toss...
B: That determines...?
A: Who bats first. See, the captains, and match referee are going to be a part of the toss. And the commentator.
B: Announcer.
A: Commentator.
B: Whatever.
[A rather chunky ex-fast bowler hands the coin to an equally-chunky ex-legspinner who tosses it into the air. It flips exactly three times before landing and rolling on the ground for some distance, forcing the cameraman to scurry away like the coin is radioactive. Or has cooties.]
A: Heads is the call...and it's heads. I'd bat first. And he is batting first. Good decision. Get runs on the board. The dew shouldn't be a factor later on.
B: Right, you never explained that entire thing to me.
A: In time, buddy, in time.
B: Whatever.
[A dreadlocked man dressed in colours that are way too bright is plastering hapless bowlers all over the park. Being a highlight package, though, it only shows the plastering, and not the embarrassing ways he got out in between.]
A: Okay so while the openers get ready they're showing key moments from previous matches. See that guy there?
B: The guy who's hitting the ball all over while some dude in a thick Indian accent screams at me about six and maximum while some other English dude tells him to calm down? Yeah, I see him.
A: Right. He's the Outta D Park best batsman. He also opens. So it's going to be key to get him out early. His name's Cristobel Tornado.
B: Sounds like a heaven for bad-pun-writers.
A: It's always "A Tornado Has Landed!" He once made, like, I swear, 150 runs in 50 balls. When he hits it, it stays hit. But he has his weaknesses. Left arm seamers for example.
B: I'll pretend to know what you're talking about.
A: Look here, back in the first season, Charmander Vespa kept getting him out. And these days it's people like Paneer Khannot who give him trouble.
B: Uh huh.
[Cut to the opposite team's big batsman, an even taller, even more heavily-built man with random messages cut into his hairstyle. Bad hair aside, however, he too is belting people all over, including one into the road where it narrowly avoids a wedding procession.]
A: Now from Lotsa Sixes we got this guy, Keys-to-the-city Pullhard. He's another massive hitter. Back in the day he kept thinking every ball needed to be a boundary, so he would either go big or get out. But recently he's matured. So he's actually grown a brain.
B: I thought your brain stopped growing at the age of 18? But anyway this Pullhard guy seems very similar to Tornado. Both tall and dark.
A: They're both from the Windys. See, same country...well, region, but this is like club football. Guys from the same country can play against each other.
B: Football! You know the Waterchestnut Derby is today, right?
[B retreats into his thoughts a little, thinking of his magical game of football. Kick or head the ball into the goal. Dive on the turf at the slightest whisper of a touch. Worship men who spend more on their eyebrow waxings than most women spend in their entire lives. How hard was that to explain to a non-believer? One thing was certain to him, most ex-footballers do not get as chunky as ex-cricketers.]
A: You lost the bet, sorry.
B: How was I to know you could actually EAT a mouse and not die!? Admittedly you DID buy it in the pet store and asked your schizophrenic uncle to cook it for you. I would have thought the mouse was the least poisonous thing in that meal, to be honest.
A: In some countries it's a delicacy. Mouse burgers are awesome! Just...too many tiny bones. Anyway, look...we're ready to start. The guys are out there and the umpire has tossed the new ball to the bowler.
(Okay...do I continue from here or not? This is a start. I actually have plans for the entire match, post match and everything. Just a little bit of humour in our very confusing game as it often seems to our heathen non-cricketing friends...)
PS - I would ideally have loved to put this in the Cricket Stories Forum, but I don't want to be seen as degrading to the stories and story-writers there. It sort of IS a cricket story though. Just not one based on a sim.
PSS - This was only a teaser. Based on responses I will continue. THIS, I will actually format properly and use different colours, bold, etc for the different parts. I just wanted to know if this would be something people might be interested in seeing continue. Feedback is more than appreciated, it's a necessity.
