The Jokes Thread

[scorpion_rulezz]

I m starting a new thread for the best of best jokes...here plz take part in it & make ur contribution count

BEPPO SINGH QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE

Friend: What are you looking at?
Beppo Singh: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Beppo Singh: four asterisks!

Happy Reading

A Sardarji, stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, sir?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."


Answer in "Brief"

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief'

Identification

Then there were two sardars, Zail singh & Jarnail singh. Both of them bought a horse each.
"How will we know which is your & which is mine?" asked Zail.

"Easy" replied Jarnail. "I'll cut mine's tail, yours will be the one with tail"

This was heard by a few boys ,they cut the other's tail too.

Next morning the confusion continued. "Don't worry "retorted Jarnail. "I'll tie a bell around its neck, yours will be the one without the bell."

The boys heard this also & cut the bell.

The next day, Zail got frustrated & said

"Okay now the last criterion, white will be yours & black will be mine."

Saree and Daughters

Santa Singh was traveling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the passport size photograph of his son (for college admission). Accidentally, the photograph fell down from his pocket.
When Santa tried to pick it up the photograph slipped under a woman's saree. He asked her "Can you lift that saree? I wanna take a photograph"

The rest is history.

He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital.

He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him, in a worse condition. Banta explained what happened to him He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel.

So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night. The Owner replied" I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".

He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The Owner replied," I have 3 grown up daughters. Sorry,I can't allow you to stay".

He went to the next house and asked:" Do you have "grown up" Daughters?".

The Owner asked," WHY?????????"

Banta replied," I wanted to stay here for a night....."


Intelligent Bantu

Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father." Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am Sardar?"
"No son, that's because you are intelligent. "

Bantu seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am Sardar ??"

"No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.

Happy with the answer, Bantu poses another question to his father, "Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was atleast twice their height. Is that because I am Sardar ??"

The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."


Life Saver

One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks.
The passengers were horrified.

On the next Railway station the driver was caught. He was found to be a Sardar.

He was questioned. He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc.

Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have overran that person.

Sardar said : Exactly, that is what i also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close

Methods

Q: Wat r the 3 ways 2 catch a Lion?
1.Newton's Method: Let the lion catch u 1st coz every action has a equal & opp reaction.!
2.Einstein's Method: Run in the direction opp 2 the lion.Due 2 the higher relative speed the lion will also run faster & get tired..Now catch it !!
3.Pakistani Police Method: Catch any animal & torture it till it accepts that it is a Lion. Then claim 2 the world u caught a Lion!!!!!


Conversation

This is a conversation that took place between a person(Y) in the public and a marketing guy(X).



X: Which shaving cream do you use?

Y: Baba's



X: Which aftershave do you use?

Y: Baba's



X: Which deodorant do you use?

Y: Baba's



X: Which toothpaste do you use?

Y: Baba's



X: Which shampoo do you use?

Y: Baba's

X(Frustrated): O.k. tell me, What is this Baba? Is it an international
company???




Y: No, He is my roommate.

Proposal

One Fine Day a Girl Proposed To a Sardar & Sardar Denied
Simply Saying Tht In Our Family,

We Marry Only Our Relatives..

My Mom Married My Dad,

My Brother Married My Bhabhi ,

My Uncle Married My Aunt & So On.....
So Plz Excuse Me !!!!!

Interview

Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.
> > >> Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
> > >> Banta Singh : Ok
> > >> Interviewer : Good... Keep it Up
> > >> Banta Singh : Bad.... Put it Down
> > >> Interviewer : Maxi Mum
> > >> Banta Singh : Mini Dad
> > >> Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
> > >> Banta Singh : Insufficient! Don't take my seat
> > >> Interviewer : Idiot! Take your seat
> > >> Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my seat
> > >> Interviewer : I say you get out!
> > >> Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in
> > >> Interviewer : I reject you!
> > >> Banta Singh : You appoint me
> > >> Interviewer : .....!!!!!!!

Above 18

19 Sardar's together went to see the movie Why??????

coz in the poster of the movie it was written 18 & above only

 

[borncricketer]

great jokes there Scorpion_rulezzz....i guess u posted all the jokes u had posted in other threads in one thread
I have the full version of the how do u catch a lion here it is.hope u dont mind
How would you catch a lion?

? Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion


? Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative
velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.


? Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If
anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.


? Indian Police Method:
catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a
Lion.
? Now lets kill the lion...


? Rajnikanth Method(Tamil actor) :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion
will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.


? Ramarajan Method(Tamil actor) :
Remove the make-up and put it over lion. The lion will die notwithstanding
that heavy weight.


? Jayalalitha Method(Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu):
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it,
while it's sleeping !


? Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark
room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears.
The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.


? Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in
love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest followed
by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion
loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another
lioness(third) into the forest. You don't understand right...
ok....read it
after 15 yrs, then
also u wont !


? Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.


? Govinda method(Hindi actor):
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.


? Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables
Continuously.


? George bush method:
Link the lion with osama bin laden and shoot him!!!


? Rahul dravid method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run.

How would you catch a lion?

 

[indiancricketer]

Hahahah good jokes :rtfl

 

[gamerkid22]

both of u are funny :laugh :rtfl :rtfl :watchtv

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

great jokes there Scorpion_rulezzz....i guess u posted all the jokes u had posted in other threads in one thread
I have the full version of the how do u catch a lion here it is.hope u dont mind

not at all borncricketer i appreciate ur work ...thanx for the full version buddy i re-posted some of my jokes not all of them coz no one was making a comment on it i think bcz of ur title "Sardars at thier best" thts why i bring some of them here,titled it as u can see the title & add some more best jokes now hope u dont mind on tht one

 

[ZoraxDoom]

I would catch a lion by the Dravid method. Seems simplest to say the least.

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

Here We Go Again !!! (here are more updates)

Hope U like Them ........
Santa & the Bartender

Santa walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of the strongest thing you've got."

He takes the shot glass and knocks it back. He then asks for another one and knocks that on back, too. After about five or six of these the bartender decides that he's going to cut the guy off.

Bartender says to Santa, "Hey, what's wrong with you? Did you have a fight with your wife or something?"

Santa sighs and says, "Yeah, after the fight she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a whole month!"

The bartender, puzzled, says, "Well, what's wrong with that?"

Santa replied, "Well today's the last day!"

Cut Off

One day, Banta goes to the clinic, and he finds his friend Santa crying.
Banta: Santa, Why are you crying?
Santa: The doctors are going to take my blood test by cutting my finger.
After hearing this Banta also starts crying.
Santa: Banta, why are you crying?
Banta: I'm here for urine test!

Absent minded professor

One day a absent minded professor was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Santa Singh your daughter Preeto just died in an accident" Absent minded professor was in panic.Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window. While coming down when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Preeto. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Santa Singh...

Office
While walking on the road, Sardar ji opens his luch bx in the middle on the road.
Why?
Just to make sure if he is going to office or coming from office.

Mobile

Banta Singh and Santa Singh got tired using cell phones and for a change decided to use really ancient methods of communication. They decided to use pigeons to send messages. So they went & bought expensive carrier pigeons from the Jama Masjid market in old Delhi & found to their joy that the pigeons indeed cud be trained & the birds very easily learnt to return directly to their respective homes. & so this scheme worked very fine.One day Santa sends his pigeon. When the pigeon reaches to Banta it is without message. Banta picked his mobile and asked Santa "What is this joke? The pigeon is without any message!!!"Santa said "u foool, this was a missed call."

Titanic & the Sardarji

"Help.... the Titanic is going to be drowned...." Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God... Just then a Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the ship.
Italian : How far is land, from here ?
Sardarji : Two miles
Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more. The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again.
Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here ?
Sardarji : Downwards... !!

 

[vibs89]

Like the jokes very much.

 

[borncricketer]

Lolzz..funny once again

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

thanx vibs & borncricketer for ur reply
Here Are Some More (plz contribute ,ur little contribution counts & make this thread a successful one :happy )

Ancient
American scientists dug 50 metres under the ground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time America announced that the ancient Americans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network...
Naturally the government of India was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of Glass and they soon announced that the ancient Indians 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibrenet...
Pakistani scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Pakistanis 55,000 years ago had Wireless (cellular) telephones.....

Name

One day a sardar is taking a walk with his three dogs.
A man comes and asks him, "Friend! Your dogs are so nice and healthy. What are their names?"
So the sardar immediately answers, very Proudly,
"Harvinder Singh, Balvinder Singh and Sukhvinder Singh."
The man is impressed by the names and asks the sardar, "What's your name praji?
The sardar proudly replies, "Tommy."

 

[Pak_cricketer]

LOL that is so funny

 

[borncricketer]

good jokes again mate....here are some from me

What are the three fastest ways of communication?
Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
**********************************************
Duniya mein bewafaon ki kami nahin hai.
Ab suraj ko hi dekh lo,
Aata hai Usha ke saath,
Rehta hai Kiran ke saath,
Aur jaata hai Sandhya ke saath!
***********************************************
Sardar learning Alphabets:
A for apple.
B for bada apple.
C for chota apple.
D for dusra apple.
E for ek aur apple.
F for fokat ka apple.
G for gol apple.
H for ho gaya na pet kharab khake itne apple.
************************************************
The positive thinking poem.
Little birdy in the sky,
You look up and it ****s in your eye.
You don't mind and you don't cry,
You just thank God that cows don't fly.
************************************************
Sardarji went to party and introduced his family
to his friends. I am
Sardar and this is sardarney, this is my kid and
this is my kidney.
************************************************
Safed Sari Par Tum Lal Bindi Lagati Ho,
Khuda Kasam Ambulance Nazar Aati Ho,
Vo Ghayal Ko Lekar Jati Hai,
Tum Ghayal Kar Ke Jati Ho!!!
************************************************
What is the similarity between Mobile &
Marriage?
Thode Din Aur Ruk Jata To Thoda Acha Model Mil
Jaata!!
************************************************
What do u call a fat woman waiting?
Moti-vating.
************************************************
Sardar Apni Wife Ke Sath Coffee Shop Gaya, hot
Coffee order Ki, Coffee
Atte Hi wife Se Bola Jaldi Jaldi pee. Wife Boli
Kyu?
Sardar Bola Hot
coffee Rs. 5 ki hai and Cold Coffee Rs. 10.00
************************************************
Ek admi sadhu se bola......
meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai , koi upay
batao.
sadhu bola , saale upay hota to main sadhu kyu
banta.

 

[scorpion_rulezz]

good jokes again mate....here are some from me

thanx buddy for ur jokes they were nice but i think some of our friends may end up in not understanding our local language....but keep up the gud work buddy :happy
Here are some more

SARDAR'S BMW

BMW cars used to have back mounted engines in the past.

Sardar Hari Singh Purchased a new BMW and was driving back to home very happily. On the way the car broke down. Sardarji came out of the car and opened the bonnet, trying to fix up the problem. Immediately began to sweat. By that time Sardar Gani Singh came by that way and saw our sardarji, totally confused and sweating, trying to search something inside the bonnet, and asked him what was the matter.

Hari Singh: "The BMW people have fooled me. They have given me the car without an engine."

Gani Singh: "Don't worry. I have a spare engine in the back of my BMW. You can take that.....

Air travel

One sardu was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane.He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat.But the sardaji told:"I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave". The old lady then complained to the air hostess .The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat.But sardarji was adament and did not leave.Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt.He also came and requested,but in vain.Finally the Captain came.He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji,and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished,the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt afterwards what he told to the sardarji.Capt. told :"nothing.I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh.All others will go to Jalandhar."

ANOTHER COUNT!

Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?" The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.

He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...

Songs

Once Santa Singh and Banta Singh were going in a jungle, Suddenly they saw one tiger comming towards them. To save themselves they climbed a tree and both sat on one branch. The tiger came under the tree and sat down. Santa told Banta " friend just to pass Time Why don't you sing some songs" Banta Singh started to sing. After singing four songs Banta hanged upside down on the branch and then again sung four songs. After singing all the songs he Banta came back to his original position. Santa asked curiosly "Friend Banta, You sung four songs sitting in upright position and next four songs you sat upside down, Why did you do that?" Banta told " Friend First four songs were from side A and the other four were from Side B"

Fell

Santa Singh was walking down the street when he saw a banana peel on the roadside. He exclaimed in disgust....Damn!!! i have to fall again today!!

DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE

Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Banta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Friend Banta Singh! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ? Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.* "

Laugh it over

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
Lucifer: That was Bill Gates! Why did you give him the best place of all?
Satan: That's what everyone thinks!
Lucifer: What about the PC?
Satan (laughing): It's got Windows 95! And it's missing three keys!
Lucifer: Which three?
Satan (screaming): Control, Alt and Delete

TO BUY A CLOCK

A Sardar once visits Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. The Sardar replies "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardar figured he was taken.

The next day the Sardar is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."

The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

ON STEALING

A Master Thief in London was giving a Coaching Class on Stealing and had students from all over the world. The Indian happened to be a Sardar. After several grueling classes on theory came the final and decisive class of all, a practical lab.

The master took all his pupils to a house nearby in the darkness of night and entered that. However, by mistake he overturned a vase.
Owner : Who's that?
Master: Miaooow...
The owner is satisfied and goes back to sleep. Mission accomplished.

The sardar is very impressed. Returning to Punjab, he decides to open a similar class for his fellow sardars. He does so and follows the same
schedule of theory classes.

Then he goes for the lab with his pupils. He enters the house of a rich sardar in darkness, and tells the other sardars,

"These are the various steps for stealing. You just observe." He then goes and overturns a vase.
Owner : Who's that ?
Sardar : I am a cat
Owner : Oh. A cat....


...and goes back to sleep.

 

[ravigoteti]

some more, may be old...

OXYGEN TUBE!

Santa Goes to heaven
Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Banta. As Banta singh stood beside the bed, santa Singh's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Banta singh lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Santa used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Banta singh thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Banta singh was visting Santa's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Santa died. "You know," he said, "Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Santa, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Wrong number...

Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes."What is the matter today? asked her husband. "Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone." "I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Banta Singh.

A Sardarji, very proud of his humour used to say to his wife leaving for the office : 'Good bye Char Bacchon ki Maa' . One day his wife fed up of this answered : ' Bye Bye, Doo Bacchon Ke Baap'. That ended the husband's witticisms.

The collector asked Banta Singh for his rail ticket. Banta Singh searched his pockets but could not find it. 'Never mind,' reassured the collector, ' I will take your word that you bought your ticket.' 'That is very kind of you,' replied Banta Singh,'but if I don't find it, I want to know where to get off.'

Two horses
Santa and Banta had just bought two horses.Now the problem was that they could not differenciate between the two horses.So,one day Santa cuts the left ear of his horse, so that it is easy to know that it is his horse.While doing so,an enemy of Santa looks at him.This enemy also cuts the left ear of banta.By doing so santa and banta come in confusion to differenciate. So, next thing santa keeps on cutting his horse's right ear , then his tail , then makes him blind and so on .And the enemy also kept on doing so with banta's horse.At last Santa's horse had no legs left and banta's horse was with one leg only .The enemy also went and cut banta's horse one leg. So, in the morning it was the same sitaution , How to diffrenciate thier horses.So, after thinking and putting lots of effort to thier mind - Santa said - O.K You keep the black one and i will keep the white .

Kele ka Chilka
Santa Singh was walking down the street when he saw a banana peel on the roadside. He exclaimed in disgust."saala!!! aaj phir girna padega!!!! (damn!!! i have to fall again today!!)

 

[afridi118]

goood jokes here i really liked them hahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha