NZ jokes galore

[siddharth2002]

Here's another one -

This is definately about intelligence and nothing to do with politics


A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "About 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about league, Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and womens tits in general . Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Err, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly..."So...............ya gonna vote for Helen again?"






> On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
> ocean, for some sightseeing.
> He was cruising along the beach at the Whakatane Heads in his car when
> there was a frantic commotion just off the shore. A helpless man
> wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey and hat was struggling
> frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 5-metre shark. As the
> Pope watched, horrified, a Waka (Canoe) came cruzin up with two men
> wearing black & white All Black jerseys.
>
> Kora quickly chucked a harpoon into the shark`s side. Hohepa reached
> out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the
> water.
> Then, using long clubs, Kora and Hohepa beat the shark to death and
> hauled it into the boat.
>
> Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. 'I give
> you my blessing for your brave actions,' he told them. 'I heard that
> there was some bitter hatred between NZ and Australia, but now I have
> seen with my own eyes that is not true.'
>
> As the Pope drove off, Kora asked Hohepa 'Who the bloody hell was that
> bro?' 'That was the Pope mate,' Hohepa replied. 'He's in direct
> contact with God bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom.'
>
> 'Well,' Kora said 'he may have access to God's wisdom but the prick
> don't know Jack Sh*t about shark fishing......... is the bait holding
> up okay or do we need to get another Aussie?'

 

[ZoraxDoom]

Brilliant

 

[Jaztheman]

lol great joke

 

[Harrypotter_fan]

good one keep 'em comming

 

[Leicester Fox]

harsh but funny :laugh :rtfl

 

[siddharth2002]

Yeah, Kiwis love having a crack at Aussies.

 

[aussie1st]

Lol good old Kiwis and there Aussie jokes.

 

[johnjohnjohn69]

don't send it to rove... he'll make fun of whakatane for half an hour and forget the punchline

there was an aussie bloke in nz, walking though a field
he comes across a kiwi shagging a sheep
he says to the kiwi "mate back home we shear those *******s"
the kiwi guy says "wull i'm not shearen thus ******* wuth inaboday"

what's a kiwi's favourite letters in the alphabet?

K.F.C

 

[siddharth2002]

Another one, read the first post again.

 

[ZexyZahid]

The second of Siddharth's joke was great.

 

[Cowburn199]

Haha great

 

[siddharth2002]

Suits Aussie1st well

15 Reasons to live in Auckland ....

1. Satan worshipping residents of Auckland are spared
unnecessary anguish and discomfort when they die because the
transition to hell is hardly noticeable.
2. Auckland has fewer syllables than Wellington so that
Aucklanders can spell it.
3. People who can't get in to Wellington have to have somewhere
to live.
4. Economies of scale dictate that it is economically optimal
for all pretentious posers with annoying inflections and stupid
haircuts to be in the same place.
5. Auckland has such a wide variety of social, economic and
cultural groupings that you can fit in no matter what kind of dork
you are.
6. Aucklanders do lots of quaint self affirming things like
calling their league team the "Warriors" and giving their otherwise
staid lives a hint of danger by referring to Mt Eden, Mt
Wellington, and Rangitoto as "volcanoes" even though they have been
extinct for 3 million years.
7. Auckland's town planners thoughtfully laid out Auckland over
a large area so that when you are in Auckland the statistical
chances of running into an Aucklander are as low as possible.
8. Believing that City Life is a quality New Zealand drama and
that Shortland Street is a showcase for up and coming New Zealand
talent doesn't seem so ridiculous when everyone else thinks so too.
9. The Auckland Rugby Union names it Super 12 team after a
colour just in case they had any deaf supporters.
10. Auckland is the nation's Prozac. People who don't live in
Auckland use that fact to ward off depression.
11. Auckland is vital to New Zealand's defence against alien
invasion. Invading space monsters will go straight to our largest
urban centre thinking it is actually important in some way. While
the aliens waste their time assaulting our decoy the rest of us
will have time to organise a counter strike. This aspect of
Auckland has taken on added significance since the discovery of
life on Mars.
12. People form Kaitaia need somewhere to go for petrol on their
way to Wellington.
13. Aucklanders have recovered from their feelings of phallic
inadequacy by erecting a 40 storey pole with a knob on top in the
middle of the city.
14. Auckland fulfils an important role in Maori mythology.
Maori legend has it that the North Island is the fish of Maui.
Wellington is the head and mouth of Maui's fish, New Plymouth and
Gisborne are its fins and Auckland is its arsehole.


Balanced World

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the arch angel found him on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "it's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?" Ah," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth.

There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable,hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely,"Wait until you see the w@nkers I'm putting next to them.

I call them 'Australians'

 

[FreezerBurn]

well in a technical sense, he would be talking about the aboriginals and the moari's not the english and the english :P

why don't New Zealanders take their wives to the cricket?
cause they jump the fence and start eating the grass