Cricket Jokes

[madmattg]

The captain of a team says to the Umpire, "My players want to know if there is a penalty for thinking." The Umpire says, "No." The captain says, "Well we think you're an asshole, then."



Jones had taken his wife to a cricket match. She sat through the first innings although plainly bored. In the second innings a batsman gave a tremendous swipe and knocked the ball out of the ground. 'Thank goodness they got rid of it,' she sighed. 'Now we can all go home.'



The two rival cricketers were talking.
'The local team wants me to play for them very badly.'

'Well, you're just the man for the job.'




At the interval, everybody rushed to the bar, where local publican had thoughtfully provided a case of light ale. Unfortunately, the ale was off and halfway through the second innings, everyone was so ill that they abandoned the match. It was a case of bad light stopping play.



In the 1970s, two dedicated Yorkshiremen were at the match. One discovered that he'd left his wallet at home and friend offered to go back for it. He returned pale and shaken.
'I've got bad news for thee, Bob. Your wife s run off and left thee, and your house 'as burned to the ground!'

'I've got worse news for thee, lad. Boycott's out.'




A Yorkshireman had emigrated to America, but still used to receive news from home by mail. One day, he got the following telegram: 'Regret father died this morning STOP early hours. Funeral Wednesday STOP Yorkshire two hundred and one for six STOP Boycott not out ninety six.'

 

[madmattg]

more....................

The batsman was out first ball. On the long walk back to the pavilion he had to pass the incoming batsman, a supercilious rival. 'Hard luck, old man,' smirked the newcomer. 'Yes. It's a shame I had to be right in the middle of a hat trick



An American who knew nothing of the game had been taken to a few cricket matches by a friend and was now studying the end-of-season averages.
Every now and then he came across an asterisk and the words: 'Signifies not out.' Finally, he turned to his friend and said:

'Why don't you get this guy Signifies to play for your side? He's never out!'




'I'm proud to say that in thirty years of playing cricket, I've never scored less than twenty five runs and never taken less than three wickets,' said George.
'I wish I could say that,' said Ted.

Harry spoke up. 'Well, why don't you? George just did!'




The cricket fan had dragged his wife and child along to the ground to watch the local side .
He watched with interest, but they were plainly bored and shifted uncomfortably in their seats.

The child brightened and turned to the mother.

'They just shouted 'Over', she said.

'I know.' replied her mother, wearily, 'but don't take any notice. It goes on and on and on.'




The cricket enthusiast would travel any distance to watch a match-nothing could keep him from the game he loved. One day, a friend met him and said, 'You're looking a bit down.'
'The wife said she's s going to divorce me.'

'What grounds?'

'Oh, Headingly, Edgbaston, Lord s . . .




Back in the pavilion, the batsman was talking to a team mate. 'I can't understand it,' he said 'The ball hit my head and the wicket-keeper caught it, but the umpire gave me out. His friend looked sympathetic. 'Sometimes they go by sound.'

 

[madmattg]

and more..............

During the week, the village pitch is always covered in grazing sheep.
Last week, the groundsman was marking out the boundary when he heard one sheep say to another, 'Well, I've eaten all the grass at extra-cover. I think I'll try over at third man!'




The demon bowler sent his thunderbolts whizzing past batsman and wicket-keeper for boundary byes from every ball of his opening over. The captain said, 'I think I'll rest you for a while.'
'You can't do that,' said the bowler. 'I've just bowled a maiden over.

'Women like that are a luxury I can't afford at the moment,' acidly replied the captain.




Although it isn't generally known, there was once an industrial dispute during a test match at the Oval.
As a result of it, the batsmen became the first ever union to come out on a non-strike.




The spider walk to the crease.
'Oh no, not him again,' sighed the grasshopper. 'Is he good?' asked a beetle.

'It's not that,' said the grasshopper, 'it's just that he stays in so long.

The only way to get him out is l.l.l.l.l.b.w. !

Two old cricketers were talking in the club.

'What was your highest score?' 'A hundred and ten not out.'

'Mine was a hundred and twenty not out'.

'And what was the most number of wickets you took?'.

'Oh, no. This time you go first.'

 

[madmattg]

and some more.............

The captain was in despair at his side's fielding. Match after match, they dropped every chance that came their way. Finally one day the captain called his men together and told them that he was taking them fishing.
What for? they asked.

'To make sure you catch something this season!'




The stonewaller had been at the crease for two hours and had scored one run. It finally got too much for the umpire. He raised his finger and said: 'Out'.
'What for?' said the batsman.

'Loitering with intent,' answered the umpire.




The wicket-keeper had a high opinion of himself and was very free with his advice to the captain.
'You know,' he said, 'You've picked two men who should never be in the side.'

'Oh really,' said the captain icily, 'and who's the other one?'




Two pigeons were talking as they stood on the boundary watching the game. 'Now here's what we do,' 'We wait till the bowler runs up and bowls, and then, as the batsman hits it, we suddenly fly up over the stand. It gets the crowd every time!'



It was a hot, sultry day, the game was boring, and the two batsmen had put on three runs in the last hour.
Suddenly, outside the ground, the peace was shattered by a car backfiring. A spectator jumped up and shouted, 'That it! Let's all go home! The scorer's shot himself!'




Yorkshiremen are known for their devotion to cricket. In fact, one day, an avid Yorkshire fan was asked, 'If your wife and Geoff Boycott were in a house that was falling over a cliff, who would you save?' 'Are you kidding?' was the reply. 'My wife's a lousy bat.



You're looking glum'. 'Yes. My doctor says I can't play cricket.' 'Really? I didn't know he'd ever seen you play!'



The two cricketers' wives were talking.
'What does your husband do?' 'He's a cricketer.'

'So's mine. Who does your play for?'

'Well, I think it's the United Nations. He says he's always bowling Chinamen.'




An American had been told to go to a cricket match while he was in England. He watched with pleasure as the teams came out and the batsman scored four runs off the first six balls. Then the umpire called "OVER". "Well," he said, getting up, "it's a nice game - but it's very short!"

 

[madmattg]

The Cricketer and Psychiatrist

The cricketer was visiting the psychiatrist.

Cricketer: 'It's terrible. I can't score runs, I'm a terrible bowler, and I can't hold a catch. What can l do?

Doctor: 'Get another job.'

Cricketer: 'I can't. I'm playing for England tomorrow !'

 

[madmattg]

Batsman and Wicket Keeper

The nervous young batsman was having a terrible time and was lucky to still be at the crease. During a lull, he stammered to the wicket keeper, 'Well, I expect you've seen worse players.'

Silence....


He said 'I said I expect you've seen worse players.'

'I heard you the first time. I was just trying to think.'

 

[madmattg]

Cricketer and Beer
In a country town match, the batsman was out first ball. 'Not like last week,' said the wicket-keeper.

'No,' said the batsman. 'Last week I stayed in and got forty and when I got back all the beer was gone!'

 

[madmattg]

English Cricket and Rain

There was a long drought in Central Africa. The witch doctor had tried all his rainmaking dances, imprecations, but to no avail.
One of the elders observed that rain was never a problem in England, so why not send the witch doctor to London to learn the secret.

Off he went to England, learned the secret, and returned to the tribe.

He informed the leaders that these crazy white men had a big paddock of grass enclosed by a white picket fence.

In the middle were two lots of sticks driven into the ground. Two men, each with a club, stood next to these sticks and waited for a lot of other men to spread themselves all over the paddock. Then two more men, wearing black trousers, four sweaters and six hats, came out to keep a close watch on the men with the clubs. Then one man got a red rock and threw it at one of the fellers with a club. AND DOWN CAME THE RAIN!

 

[madmattg]

English Cricketer

A distraught woman rushed into a Police Station claiming she had been *****.


The Desk Sergeant calmed her down and asked her to provide details. She
told him that it was a man of average height dressed in white and that he
was wearing protective pads on his legs and forearms, additionally he
had on a helmet and gloves.


"That sounds as if the man was a cricketer" observed the policeman.


"Oh yes he was" replied the woman, "and what's more he was an Englishman".


"I suppose you guessed that because of his accent " said the Sergeant.


"No" the woman said, "it was because he didn't stay in very long."

 

[madmattg]

Bribe The Umpire

'I can't understand it,' said the captain. 'It was such an important game that I bribed the umpire and yet we still lost.'
'Terrible, isn't it,' a bowler agreed. 'It's getting so you can't trust anyone.'

 

[madmattg]

Cricket Fan in the Office

A cricket enthusiast had three trays installed in his office labelled 'In' , 'Out' , and 'L.B.W.' .
A visitor remarked as he could see the significance of 'In' and 'Out' but what did 'L.B.W.' mean ?

And the cricket enthusiast replied : "Let the *******s Wait."

 

[madmattg]

Cricket Rivals
Brown and Robinson were two old men who were fierce rivals at cricket. One day, they decided to see who was the better player by having a game between them selves. Brown laboured for an hour to score twelve runs, but was bowled by the only straight ball he received. Both men were exhausted, and Robinson decided that he was too tired to bat and made for the pavilion, even though Brown had only to bowl at the empty wicket and break it to win.

As he lay slumped in the pavilion, an amused on looker strolled in and said, 'Congratulations.'

'What do you mean?' said Robinson.

'Haven't you heard?' said the spectator. 'Brown bowled thirteen wides

 

[madmattg]

Devils Versus Angels Cricket Match

The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket.
"But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels.

"Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.

 

[madmattg]

Cricket Explained

You have two sides one out in the field and one in .
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out .

When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out .

Sometimes you get men still in and not out .

When both sides have been in and out including the not outs , THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME !

HOWZAT !!!!!

 

[madmattg]

Aliens and Cricket

Two aliens were visiting Earth to research the local customs.
They split up so that they could learn more in the time allowed.

When they met to share their knowledge, the first alien told of a religious ceremony it had seen.

"I went to a large green field shaped like a meteorite crater. Around the edges, several thousand worshippers gathered. Then two priests walk to the centre of the field to a rectangular area and hammer six spears into the ground, three at each end. Then eleven more priests walk out, clad in white robes. Then two high priests wielding clubs walk to the centre and one of the other priests starts throwing a red orb at the ones with the clubs."

"Gee," replied the other alien, "what happens next?"

"Then it begins to rain."