Disorder in the Court

[.::Stevo::.]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?


WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?


WITNESS: July 18th.


ATTORNEY: What year?


WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?


WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?


WITNESS: I forget.


ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?


WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.


ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?


WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?


WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"


ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?


WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?


WITNESS: We both do.


ATTORNEY: Voodoo?


WITNESS: We do.


ATTORNEY: You do?


WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he


doesn't know about it until the next morning?


WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?


WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty .
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?


WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?


WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


WITNESS: None.


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?


WITNESS: By death.


ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?


WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.


ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a


deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?


WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?


WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?


WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?


WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.


ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?


WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing


an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________





And the best for last





ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?


WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.


ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?


WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law.

 

[manee]

That was truly hilarious, fantastic find...lawyers are stupod sometmeis.

 

[The Spin]

Brilliant stuff there!

 

[Ritwik]

Excellent stuff. Where did you find this ?

 

[manee]

I believe this answers it

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place

 

[Ritwik]

I think he got it from some website and that's why I asked ...

Because a website can also very well give that info you brandish.

 

[Cowburn199]

Haha that was excellent! Have you got the book?

 

[Ritwik]

Some more lawyer jokes:

The Hit and Run Case

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

----------------------------------------------------

Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

----------------------------------------------------


Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

----------------------------------------------------------------
jokes courtesy http://www.jokes.com

I believe this answers it

I found the same set of jokes as posted by stevo at jokes.com as well.

 

[embi]

I have a book called "Stupid Laws" which has all these jokes and a lot of stupid laws... They must get them all from the internet

 

[.::Stevo::.]

I think he got it from some website and that's why I asked ...

Because a website can also very well give that info you brandish.

It's from the book i mentioned, its 100% real. But i did copy paste it from a website, i couldn't be bothered to type all of that.

 

[The Spin]

Some top class jokes here guys!

 

[themuel1]

LMAO Stevo!!!

 

[WG.]

That was well funny.

Props.