Misc. jokes! Microsoft vs GM

ravigoteti

Club Cricketer
Joined
Sep 1, 2004
Location
Toronto
Online Cricket Games Owned
MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

this is for people who understand hindi. Windows terms in hindi can be funny indeed!

Khidkiyan XP
Phaail = File
Bachao = Save
Aise Bachao = Save as
Subko Bachao = Save All
Mujhe Bachao = Help
Dhoondo = Find
Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
Hilao = Move
Daak = Mail
Daakiya = Mailer
Paas se dhekho = Zoom
Duur se dhekho = Zoom Out
Kholo = Open
Bandh Karo = Close
Naya = New
Khatara = Old
Badli Karo = Replace
Bhaago = Run
Chhaapo = Print
Dekh Ke Chhaapo = Print Preview
Kaapi = Copy
Kaato = Cut
Kato = Stupid Houseguest
Chipkao = Paste
Payshul Chipkao = Paste Special
Goli Maaro = Delete
Nazaara = View
Hathiyaar = Tools
Hathiyaar Khambha = Toolbar
Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
Iska Bhi Naam Nahin Aata = Database
Futaas Ki Goli Kha = Exit
Ped = Tree
Thooso = Compress
Chooha = mouse
Tik-Tik Karo = Click
Idhar-se-Udhar.Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar
 

ravigoteti

Club Cricketer
Joined
Sep 1, 2004
Location
Toronto
Online Cricket Games Owned
Bush In Heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."



The President, the First Lady and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force One. George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills
out the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney says, "Of course then, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, "Such big shots back there..... shoot, I could throw all of them out the window and make 290 million people very happy."


The Oval Office:

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?


might be old..but good nonetheless.
 
Last edited:

fanirama

Club Captain
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Location
USA
Online Cricket Games Owned
Nice, but the Oval Office piece is a rip-off of Albert and Costello's baseball joke which is a classic and about 10 times longer. ( I have an mp3 of it. Can I post audio here ? )

Here's another --

Archie and Jughead are at a ranch.....
Jughead -- Hey, Arch, look at the bunch of cows.
Farmer -- No, a herd.
Jughead -- Heard of what ?
Farmer -- Herd of cows.
Jughead -- Sure, I've heard of cows.
Farmer -- No, a cow herd
Jughead -- What do I care what a cow heard.
Farmer -- ( now jumping up and down and cursing )
Jughead -- These farmers are crazy.....
 

Aseem Ralhan

U19 Cricketer<br><a href="http://www.planetcricket
Joined
Apr 2, 2005
Location
NewDelhi (INDIA)
Online Cricket Games Owned
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.
That, my friends, is Globalization!!
_______________________________________________________________

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he`d done it.
The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. `Congratulations,` the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. `You did superbly under cross-examination.`
`Thanks,` he said, `but he sure had me worried.`
`How`s that?` the lawyer asked.
`I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!`
_________________________________________________________________
Computer lingo meaning for a farmer!
]

LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter
LOG OFF: Don`t add wood
MONITOR : Keep an eye on the wood stove
MEGAHERTZ: When a big log drops on your barefoot in the morning
FLOPPY DISK : What you get from piling too much wood
RAM: The hydraulic thing that makes the woodsplitter work
DRIVE: Getting home during most of the winter
PROMPT: What you wish the mail was during the snow season
ENTER: Come on in
WINDOWS: What you shut when it gets 10 below normal
SCREEN: What is a must during black fly season
CHIP: What you munch during Vikings games
MICROCHIP: What`s left in the bag when the chips are gone
MODEM: What you did to the hay fields last July
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix`s wife
LAPTOP: Where the grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: Where you suppose to put the keys so that Misses can find them
SOFTWARE: The plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: What leaves them little turds in the cupboard
MAINFRAME: The part of the sauna that holds up the roof
PORT: Where do commericial fishing boats dock
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When you can`t remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when the wife asks about it.
________________________________________________________________
What computer acronyms really stand for:


ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
WWW - World Wide Wait
DOS - Defunct Operating System
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
_________________________________________________________________
Laloo Prasad & Bill Gates


The following is the conversation between Lallo Prasad Yadav and Bill Gates.
Gates : Hi! you must have heard of Windows.
Lallo : Oh yes! In most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates : At home have u installed Windows?
Lallo : I have removed all windows due to increased burglaries in our house.
Gates (Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
Lallo : OPERATION ? Yes I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates (Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Lallo : Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.
Gates : By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.
Lallo : We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates (Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Lallo : My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates (Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Lallo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..
Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Lallo : I have exhuasted all my leave.
Gates : I have no energy left let us go out and have a bite.
Lallo : BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates : (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting.Please wait............."

_________________________________________________________________
 

ravigoteti

Club Cricketer
Joined
Sep 1, 2004
Location
Toronto
Online Cricket Games Owned
good ones Aseem.

few more, not sure if people have seen these...

future Hindi movies, from the IT perspective

* Aao chat kare
* Programmer no 1
* Aaj ka body shopper
* Programmer,recruiter aur bodyshoper
* Badalate platforms
* Kahani Keyboard ki
* Mera hardisk tumhare paas hai
* Memory aur hard disk
* H1 ko aane do
* Mouse ka gulam
* Java wale job le jayenge
* Skill apana apana
* Hum aapke meomory mein rahate hain
* Do pocessor barah terminal
* Password Apana Apana
* Hum Hai Programmer Oracle ke
* Ek programmer do body shopper
* H1 se Citizenship tak
* Mera code chal gaya
* Har Din jo mail Karega
* Mera Resume Kora kagaj
* Khel Virus ka
* Virus Aur Antivirus
* Programmer bane Bodyshopper
* Network Ke Ush Paar
* Billing aur Salary
* Platform platform ki baat hai
* Anjaana Bug
* Programmer Chahta Hai


College days:

Prof: Can you tell me anything about the great chemists of the 17th century?
Student: Yhey're all dead sir.

A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100
miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los
Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called
upon
said "Professor you're 44.."

The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you
arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and
he's
half nuts . . ."
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Top