Panda Comeback Thwarted

[Panda]

PANDA COMEBACK IN LIMBO WITH DRUNKEN, PUBLIC SEX ACTS
James Inglewood reporting for PC Times

TFFCL's Panda is in hiding after a terrible PR stunt went horribly wrong. Panda, who is currently trying to ressurect his Fantasy Cricket League career was a big name spotted at a charity race event, raising money for the Royal Childrens Hospital. Trying to get his name back in the spotloght before the upcoming Planet Cricket draft in August, Panda was happy to have pictures taken and to sign autographs while other big-names such as iloveireland, Griffo and TassieTiger were in attendance.

(Panda in charity race raising money for the Royal Childrens Hospital (c) )


However, Pandas PR stunt went horribly wrong as his behaviour deteriorated and it became apparent that he was drunk. Panda left the charity event early, but families were shocked to find Panda performing lewd sexual acts in broad daylight in near-by parkland.

Taken into custody, Panda was later released on bail and will appear in court in coming days. The unknown female was unable to be contacted, while the hung-over Panda stated 'What the **** get out of my face... She was willing and I had the money to pay!!'

Planet Cricket admins seem unimpressed with the whole situation, however it appears Panda is lapping up the attention.

It is unclear at this point in time to tell if this will have an impact on Panda's draft hopes.

 

[tassietiger]

Disgraced Downright Donkey tassietiger has confessed that these allegations are true, and he did indeed attend a Royal Children's Hospital charity event.

In an official statement:

"I apologise firstly to all of the people who are close to me. I have let them down, as I have let myself down. I have had urges recently which have made me want to give a little bit back to the community, since earning so much from the community via mainly dodgy Indian bookmakers. This is no excuse. I should not have acted on these urges and should have continued to pillage and plunder as a true Donkey should."

"I was not the only Donkey in attendace, as stated in the article. Iloveireland has a lot of explaining to do, and to be honest, I'm not going to defend him. This is about survival. Tough luck. I have let all of the Donkeys down, as I have felt that I have had some sort of a leadership role within the team since I created it. Zorax and I taught the team how to bribe, cheat, and earn much more money than any other player in the competition by using "off-field game smarts". I did not expect to ever sink to this level.

"The Royal Children's Hospital is a fantastic cause, and they will make great use of the money. I hope you're grateful, you little pricks, because you might have just cost me a great career. I promise never to donate to anyone again in my career without either being in return for sexual favours/to the competition's simmer or even both of the two.

"I appeal to the Downright Donkeys leadership group (not sure if we have one really, but we'll see how it rolls) to accept me back, and I promise they will see not a changed man, but a fixed man. The old tassietiger who would never attend a charity event even if his life depended on it. The old tassietiger who would scuff up pitches, spike the opposition's drinks, stick thumbtacks to their toilet seats. (anyone ever tried this incidentally? I think the idea has merit.) None of this rubbishy tassietiger who goes and wins an OD trophy and does some charity work on the side. I'll be back, just give me a chance"

tassietiger was also quick to note at the end of the press conference that he was mightily impressed with potential recruit Panda's efforts with a lady panda, as he reckon she looked like a decent root.

 

[Griffo]

Official Statement from Griffo's Manager

Griffo was in no way involved in the alleged panda orgy otherwise known as "inter species erotica". He accepted the invite as he thought it was to be a game of snooker, but he ended up potting into a different pocket so to speak...

 

[ZoraxDoom]

Zorax 'Shocked and Appalled' at teammates behavior!​

"I had no involvement with it! Okay, maybe a little."​

Infamous DD allrounder Zorax has made his stand on the issue of fellow Donkeys being found at a charity event. This is mere hours after Tassie issued a public apology, and Iloveireland has yet to be heard from.

"I am shocked and appalled at this. What they have done goes completely against Downright Donkeys code. It is almost as if someone stood to earn huge winnings from a bet regarding whether Tassie and ILI would ever attend a charity event, and so paid them to attend it and cover up afterwards. Ofcourse, thats all just a hunch. I had nothing to do with it, I swear. "

Downright Donkey batsman Tassietiger and bit-and-pieces player Iloveireland were found signing autographs and taking photos with kids in order to raise money for the Royal Childrens Hospital. That is, they were trying until newcomer Panda spoilt proceedings with some disruptive behaviour. This led to the police arriving at the scene, and catching Tassie and ILI red-handed in the act.

"These two should have known better that to do good deeds for no return. And the fact that a no-name newbie was needed to spoil proceedings is just a disgrace on the Donkeys name. Nope, these two will not be hearing the last of this in the dressing room. Thats a lot of 'no' sounds in a paragraph."

"However, as it is my role as head of the Downright Donkeys Leadership Group, and since Tassie and ILI slipped me a blank cheque while you all were busy plugging in your mics, we have decided to let them return to the team. However, any other slip-ups may prove to be costly to them, as I am hiking my service charges up by 20%"​

 

[Leicester Fox]

Hey I rape people too.

 

[Panda]

Good to see you guys getting in the spirit! More to come in the 'Panda Saga 08' when it comes to hand.

 

[Griffo]

Please dont reveal my terrible secret Panda

 

[Highlander999]

You and your fetish, isn't a secret

 

[Griffo]

No not that, everyone knows i have sexual fantasies about scottish boys

 

[Therbs]

Geez Panda - you're still getting into strife! Put ya name down and maybe the Donkeys will be interested.
Tassie - here's some useful tips for court appearances
"I can't recall"
"Not to my knowledge"
"Not in my presence"
"Can I have a glass of water please".
Not that you'd need them. we know how to get judges on side. They're just like bookies really.

 

[Cricketman]

Forget that other Panda and come with me.

 

[Panda]

mm it all depends. What type of Bamboo do you have? Coz im not some **** panda that gets with anyone you know. Its all about the Bamboo!

 

[iloveireland]

Iloveireland Worried.​

Iloveireland said yesterday that he is afraid about 'Un-Donkey Behavior'. He said the work charity should not be in the Donkey vocabulary. He also said he was doing Charity at the Royal Childrens Hospital because he needed a heart and whose would be better than a 6 year old child?. Iloveireland who know officially owns 5 six year old childrens said 'It was a good day out, it was good to bring Tassie along. He's a smooth talker'.

Iloveireland said he wanted to kill Panda. 'I was about to get some kids livers, when that stupid Panda comes in and makes himself look stupid. I'm gonna have to steal his liver now. I need another one, my ones not gonna' last'.

Iloveireland also said he apologises to Zorax for not telling him. He also said 'Zorax if you need another heart I'll get ya one'.

Iloveireland who was "arrested" was released immediately after blaming Dean who was arrested shortly after for 'doing naughty things to children'​

In other news Therbs was arrested for 'Drunk and Disorderly' again. This is his 50th time and the cops and starting to get annoyed. He can play the star card a few times but this is getting rediculous, he won't be allowed to continue this. We may have to press changes.​

 

[Cricketman]

mm it all depends. What type of Bamboo do you have? Coz im not some **** panda that gets with anyone you know. Its all about the Bamboo!

My bamboo pleases all.

 

[Griffo]

My bamboo is 9 inches AROUND! think about it...