World War XVIII

[morgieb]

World War XVIII started in 3876, approximately 300 years after the United States' second Civil War, which split the country into two separate nations, the United States of Canada and Jesusland. Propaganda ran rampant along both sides. Soon, both countries cut off all trade relations with each other. The presidents of both countries, Hillary Clinton's Severed Head and Richard Nixon 2.0, traded insults for quite long time. Tension boiled and boiled. Soon, the Supreme Court of the United States of Canada ruled that Creationism was illegal to teach in schools and that only evolution could be taught. Jesusland made the opposite ruling. Partisan politicians of both countries were pissed at each other for this. Jesusland then outlawed abortion, while the States legalized Gay Marriage. Tension continued to boil. The States then legalized marijuana and Jesusland rewrote the PATRIOT Act to allow racial profiling to the degree that all Muslims were to be immediately sentenced to capital punishment. The rest of the wrold merely looked on in horror at this freakshow of one-party governments. Finally, Jesusland passed an amendment to bring back slavery. The United States of Canada passed a constitutional amendment enabling interspecies marriage. Both countries were so disgusted with each other that a massive war began with the most high-tech weapons ever. Nukes were everywhere. Soon, all the other countries were pressured to pick sides, and the full scale war began. France immediately surrendered. Those commie *******s in China sided with the States. North Korea remained neutral, and just launched nukes at everyone for the hell of it. Cuba stayed loyal to Jesusland, given how much money they've made from exporting cigars. England decided to remain elitist snobs ad hate the entirity of America. Iraq, the last country to pick a side, chose to side with The United States of Canada. Millions would die in the ensuring war, if they had not already left the world in a giant Kiwi Fruit shaped ship. 3 hours later, the Earth was destroyed in a firey explosion of pain but very little death (except for millions and billions of animals that were left on the planet, that either died horribly or were mutated into new forms).

Aftermath
The only survivors were Oscar Wilde, Vin Diesel, Sophia, Steve Ballmer, Kanye West, Hitler, Ultra Jesus, 16 kittens, and a Grue. Needless to say, the kittens did not live long as Oscar Wilde promptly huffed all but two. He then realized the two he didn't huff were both male, and couldn't reproduce. So he huffed those two, but saved some DNA in the hopes of cloning more kittens later. The survivors colonized on Mars in 38731, renamed it Earth, and pretended nothing ever happened. Soon after, Steve Ballmer ****ing Killed Kanye West, who complained that "Steve Ballmer doesn't care about me." Eventually, the original planet Earth was reformed with everyone on it except that Canada was a democratic utopia and Hitler died of the white plague with a side of fries. However, tensions between the Russo-European Commonwealth and Nutzi Land eventually reached the boiling point and World War III-XIX began with the United States winning the coin toss.

As a result of the war, because people hated geography, in 38901, the World was split into only five empires: USA (The Americas and Austraila), Chinaland (Africa), Cheetos (Europe, the Middle East, and India), Russoxchinojapan (Asia) and Antarctica.

[edit] World Leaders
USA: Adolf Hitler
Chinaland: Mao Zedong
Cheetos: Mussolini
Russoxchinojapan: Joe Stalin
Antarctica: Ronald McDonald
After-aftermath
Remember that Grue that was with the other survivors? It ate everyone.