Best Simpsons Quotes

Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie The Never Ending Story.

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."

Lionel Hutz: Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
Marge: But we did win.
Lionel Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I don't use the word 'hero' lightly, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
Homer: Woohoo.

Judge: Mr. Hutz, are you aware you're not wearing any pants?
Lionel Hutz: Uh, your Honor, can I call for one of those bad trial thingys?
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah ... that's why you're the judge, and I am the law ... talkin' ... guy
 
Marge: History's like an amusement park. Except instead of rides you have dates to memorize.

Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.

Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
Marge: It's not Batman!

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.
Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
[Looks out window]
Bart: [creepily] Hello, mother dear.
Marge: That's it, we have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa. Get in here.
[Lisa walks in]
Homer: In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics.
Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!

Marge: Homer, I thought our marriage could survive anything, but last night, you not only crossed the line, you threw up on it.

Marge: Aw geez, I just SWEPT the Circle of Death!!!
 
Smithers: [To frozen Burns] Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out the second they discover the cure for seventeen stab wounds in the back. How're we doing, boys?
Frink: Well, we're up to fifteen!

Smithers: I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.

Barney: Hello, my name is Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scouts meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it you girls can't admit that you have a problem?

Barney: I don't know where you pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink

Barney: Hey, Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case, and the other case, there's only one case left.
 
Barney: Hey, can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy something.

Barney: Whoah, someone smells stinky! Oh, its me.

Barney: Jesus must be spinning in his grave!

Barney: Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!

Barney: Ah that's just drunk talk, sweet beautiful drunk talk.

Duffman: Duffman wants to party down with the man who sent in 10,000 Duff labels to bring me here today. I've got a bottomless mug of new Duff Extra Cold for, Barney Gumbel!
All: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Barney: I can't, I'm the designated driver!
(Everything stops)
Duffman: Yeah that's swell, Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program. Now! Who wants to Party!
 
Barney: 40 dollars!? This better be the best damn beer ever.. [drinks beer] You got lucky.

Homer: I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders... my friend!
Lenny: What did he say?
Carl: I dunno. Somethin' about being gay.

Duffman: Hey Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar loooove Duff?
Carl: Hey, it's Duffman!
Lenny: Newsweek said you died of liver failure.
Duffman: Duffman can never die, only the actors who play him. Ooh yeah!

Lenny: There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people.
Carl: Vengeance isn't too bad either.

Carl: Oh no! Homer's going over those falls!
Lenny: Oh good! He snagged that tree branch.
Carl: Oh no! The branch broke off!
Lenny: Oh good! He can grab onto them pointy rocks!
Carl: Oh no! Them pointy rocks broke his arms and legs.
Lenny: Oh good! Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him!
Carl: Oh no! They're biting him, and stealing his pants!

Carl: You know I'm sick and tired of people assuming I'm good at basketball just because Im African American. (Slam Dunks the ball)
 
Lenny: Wow! Homer must have got one of those robot cars!
(Car crashes in background)
Carl: Yeah, one of those AMERICAN robot cars.

Carl: This candy is subpar. Any religion that embraces carob is not for Carl Carlson.

Carl: According to the map, the cabin should be right here.
Lenny: Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them metaphorical things.
Carl: Oh yeah, yeah... Like maybe the cabin is the place inside each of us, created by our goodwill and teamwork.
Lenny: Oh! ...Nah, they said there would be sandwiches.

Ned Flanders: They've broken every commandment except one.
Carl: Hey Lenny, covet some chili fries?
Lenny: You bet.
Ned Flanders: That's it. The whole shebang.

Smithers: Now pair off as I draw your names. Lenny....and Carl.
Carl: Aw, nuts. Uh...I mean.....aw nuts.

Carl: Lenny - sending some outgoing mail?
Lenny: You know it!
Carl: Yeah, I think I'll send some tomorrow.
Lenny: I hear that!

Comic Book Guy: These ?Bat Pants? have been shredded by the Riddler.
Dry Cleaner Clerk: No, just your ass.
Comic Book Guy: That?s what I call my ass.

Comic Book Guy: But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds... Oh, I've wasted my life.

Comic Book Guy: That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore.
 
Comic Book Guy: Last night's 'Itchy and Scratchy Show' was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Comic Book Guy: The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity... .

Comic Book Guy: Stop right there! I have the only working fazer ever built. It was fired only once to keep William Shatner from making another album.

Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix

Milhouse: Why does Bart have a comic book?
Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying then the last three "Highlander" movies.

Mayor Quimby: Now I'd like to introduce the Prophet of Love, Larry White.
Barry White: It's Barry White.
Mayor Quimby: No, the card says Larry White.
Barry White: I think I know my own name.
Mayor Quimby: Yeah, well we'll just see about that.
 
B.T.Barlow: Mr. Mayor, I have a question for you.....what if YOU came home one night to find your family tid up and gagged, with SOCKS in their mouths.They're screaming.Your trying to get in but there's too much BLOOD on the knob!!!!!
Quimby: What is your question about?
B.T.Barlow: It's about the budget sir.

Titanya: But Duffman, you said if I slept with you I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!
Duffman: Duffman... says a lot of things! Oh, yeah!

Leonard Nimoy: And so, from this simple man came the proof that we are not alone in the universe. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night.
Teenager: [off-camera] Uh, Mr. Nimoy, we have ten minutes left.
Leonard Nimoy: Oh. Uh, fine. Let me, uh, just get something out of my car. [runs off]

Conan O'Brien: (laughs) Great material. We'll be right back. (Music starts, and Conan dances. Bart half-heartedly joins him) Sit perfectly still: only I may dance!

Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.

Stage hand: Come on people, someone ordered the London Symphony Orchestra. Possibly while high... Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction.
 
Leonard Nimoy: I think this vessel could do at least warp 5.
Quimby: Yes, and may the force be with you.
Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
Quimby: Of course I do. Werent you one of the little rascals.

Billy Corgan: "Billy Corgan, 'Smashing Pumpkins'."
Homer Simpson: "Homer Simpson, smiling politely."

Lucy Lawless: ... but I'm sure that once girls get to know the real you, you'll get plenty of dates. Next question.
[hands go up. She picks Frink]
Frink: Yes, over here, n'hey, n'hey. In episode BF12, you were battling barbarians while riding a winged Appaloosa, yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a winged Arabian. Please do explain it.
Lucy Lawless: Ah, yeah, well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it.
Frink: I see, all right, yes, but in episode AG4 --
Lucy Lawless: Wizard.
Frink: [under breath] Aw, for glaven out loud.

Bono: Wow, look at him go. You're the real Lord of the Dance, Homer.

Jay Leno: If I weren't so afraid of clowns, I'd give you a big hug

Mark Hamill: Hey, pal. That's my headshot up there next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it.

Mark Hamill: Luke, be a Jedi tonight! Just be a Jedi tonight!
Mark Hamill & Chorus: Do it for Yoda, while we serve our guests a soda.
Mark Hamill: Uh, and do it for Chewie and the Ewoks, and all the other puppets ...
Mark Hamill & Chorus: Luke, be a Jedi tonight!
 
Mark Hamill: Back off, you freakin' dweebs!

Jesse Grass (Joshua Jackson): I'm a level 5 vegan, I don't eat anything that casts a shadow.

Homer: Gasp! Adam West! [calling] Kids! Batman
Lisa: Dad, that's not the real Batman.
Adam West: Of course I'm the real Batman. [shows a glossy] See, here's a picture of me with Robin!

Tim Allen: oh my god i killed wilson! looks like it's back to jail for me! (stupid grunt)

Hans: I was saying Boo-urns.

(Apu comes back to his store after closing it down for 5 minutes ? Hans is waiting) Hans Moleman: You cost me 5 minutes of my life and I want them back!
Apu: I am sorry, sir.
Hans Moleman: Never mind, I would have just wasted them anyway.

Homer: here's a quarter. You go call for help, and I'll protect the sugar.
Hans: If only this sugar were as sweet as you, sir.

College girl: She's worse than that 80 year old who pretended to be a freshman.
Hans Moleman: I just wanted a place to sit down...

Hans: Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!

Hans Moleman: Lesbian?! This isn't my army reunion.
Gay man in army clothes: You're coming home with me.
Hans Moleman: Yes, Colonel.
 
Homer: I thought you were dead
Mother Simpson: I thought you were dead
Gravedigger: Dang Blasted! Isn't anybody in this dad-gummed cemetery dead?
Hans Moleman: (popping out of coffin) I didn't want to make a fuss, but now that you mention it...

Hans: Today, part four of our series of the agonizing pain in which I live every day.

Hans: The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage.

Hans: A poem, by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see, my cataracts are blinding me.

Kent Brockman: Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so...the following people are gay...

Kent Brockman: ... and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
 
Kent Brockman: Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The Killbot Factory.

Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.

Kent Brockman: The results are in: for Sideshow Bob, one hundred percent; and for Joe Quimby, one percent. And we remind you there is a one percent margin of error.

Kent Brockman: Down here at Springfield Mall, a storm-addled crowd seems to have turned its rage on the Leftorium. Surprisingly, people are grabbing things with both hands, suggesting it's not just southpaws in this rampaging mob.

Kent Brockman: I'm Kent Brockman, on the eleven o'clock news tonight...a certain type of soft drink has been found to be lethal, we won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Sonny Storm.

Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch.

[Homer is surrounded by crows at Moe's Bar]
Moe: Alright, get 'em outta here. This ain't no crow-bar. THIS is a crow-bar.
[Moe reaches under the counter and pulls out a portrait of crows sitting at a bar]
Moe: See? They got their little stools and everything

Kent Brockman: Tonight a city weeps, as, for the first time ever, a hockey arena becomes the scene of violence following a concert by Spinal Tap

Kent Brockman: Top o' the mornin' to ye on this gray, drizzly afternoon. Kent O' Brockman live on Main Street, where today, eveyone is a little bit Irish! Eh-heh, everyone except, of course, for the gays and Italians.
 
Kent Brockman: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: democracy just doesn't work.

Kent Brockman: Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say, "No, of course not. Don't be ridiculous." But one woman says, "Yes." Marge Simpson.

Kent Brockman: Good morning everybody, panic is gripping Springfield as giant advertising mascots rampage through the city. Perhaps it's just part of some daring new ad campaign, but what new product could justify such carnage?

Kent Brockman: "This just in...go to Hell!"

Krusty: Lets just say it moved me. To a bigger house! Oh crap, I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud.

Krusty: Don't blame me! It's the percadan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain ... And now a word from our new sponsor ... Percadan, oh crap!

Krusty: Thirty-five years in show business and already nobody remembers me. Just like what's his name, and whos-its, and you know, that guy, who always wore a shirt.

Krusty: So, have a merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, a kwaazy Kwanza, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified, Ramadan. And now a word from MY god, our sponsors!

Krusty: I'm sitting here with a smokin' monkey and I dont even know what the hell you are!
Sideshow Mel: Oh Krusty, you can be so cruel when you're sober.
 
Lenny: Ah, my eye! My doctor said I wasn't supposed to get pudding in it.

Lenny: Late night swimming and alcohol: it's a winning combination!

Lisa: Relax? I can't relax! Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity! Aaaaa!

Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt it public again
Lisa: I'd like to beleive that this time, I really would.

Lisa (playing hockey goalie): Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone!

Lisa: I'm no theologian. I don't know who or what God is. All I know is he's more powerful than Mom and Dad put together.

Lisa: If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.

Lisa: I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Homer: That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.

Lisa (on Nelson): He's not like anybody I've ever met. He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest.
 
Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

Lisa: Dad, don't you think you're overreacting?
Homer: Don't you think you're *under*reacting?
Lisa: This conversation is over.
Homer: This conversation is *under*.
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: *bad*bye

Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.

[At the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence awards show]
Lisa: This award is the biggest farce I've ever seen.
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected

Lisa: Look at the "wonders" of the computer age now.
Homer: Wonders Lisa? Or blunders?
Lisa: I think that was implied by what I said.
Homer: Implied... Or implode?

Gay men: We're here. We're queer. Get used to it.
Lisa: We are used to it. You do this every year.
Gay man: Aww, you take all the fun out of it.

Lunch Lady Doris: More testicles mean more iron.

Lunch Lady Doris: There's very little meat in these gym bags.

Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
 
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