Best Simpsons Quotes

[brad352]

Ralph: That's my swingset, and that's my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end. And this is where I met the leprechaun.
Bart: Right, the leprechaun.
Ralph: He told me to burn things.

Ralph: Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible.

Bart Simpson (spelling "Impervious" in a spelling bee : I...M...P
Nelson: Bart is pee!
Ralph Wiggum: I made Bart in my pants!

 

[brad352]

Ralph: [whispering] Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?
Lisa: [whispering] Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
Ralph: [pauses] My cat's name is Mittens

Bart: Go orange!
Nelson: Go grapefruit!
Ralph: Go Banana!

Burns: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers?
Smithers: Err...no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.

Mr.Burns: (To Homer)One more thing...You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon!
Smithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment.
Mr.Burns: And the road maps, and the driving gloves?!
Smithers: Yes, sir.
Mr.Burns:Then its all falling into place!

 

[brad352]

Burns: Smithers, I've been thinking. Is it wrong to cheat to win a million-dollar bet?
Smithers: Yes, sir.
Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if I cheat to win a million-dollar bet?
Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed?

Mr. Burns: Smithers I'm thinking about donating some money to the orphanage..when pigs fly!
(Homer's bbq pig flies past the window)

Mr. Burns: I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.

Burns: I feel like such a free spirit, and I'm really enjoying this so-called...iced cream.
Smithers: Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, I'd just like to say that...[ahem]...I...love you.
Burns: Hmm?
Smithers: [quickly] In those colors! [aside] Oh, who am I kidding? The boathouse was the time!

 

[brad352]

Mr. Burns: I'm looking for something in an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamey tang of human flesh. Hmmm, why here's the fellow ... Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.

Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

Mr. Burns: No one will want to kiss me after this, eh, Smithers?
Smithers: Well, it's their loss, sir.

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding ...

 

[brad352]

Bart: Well if your souls real where is it?
Milhouse: It's kinda in here... and when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying god bless you crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away!
Bart: What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean.
Milhouse: Oh, it can swim, it's even got wheels, incase you die in the desert and have to drive to the cemetary.

Bart: Hey Duffman
Duffman: Please I'm not "Duffman!" anymore, I'm just plain old Barry Duffman, oh yeah.

Bart: What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.

 

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Bart to Milhouse: How can someone with glasses so thick be so stupid?

Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

Bart: I can't stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress - Hmm, that gives me an idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.

Marge: What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
Bart: Milhouse has one.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there.
Homer: Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family and its proud naval tradition.
Bart: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me.
Homer: Oh ... I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
Lisa: Can I?
Homer: No.

Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

 

[brad352]

Marge; Grandpa, are you sitting on the apple pie?
Grandpa: I sure hope so...

Abe: That doll is EVIL, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeeeviillll!!!
Marge: Grandpa, you said that about all the presents.
Abe: I just want attention.

Mr. burns: so do u have a way to get rid of the protesters?
Grandpa: One way to get rid of them is to tell 'em stories that dont go anywhere. Like the time we went over to shelbyville during the war, I wore an onion on my belt....which was the style at the time...you couldnt get those white ones, you could only get those big yellow ones.................now where was I........oh yeah, the important thing was I was wearing an onion on my nelt, which was the style at the time, you couldnt get those... (trails off)

Grandpa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents 'til the cows came home! Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!

 

[brad352]

Grandpa Simpson: The last time the meteors came, we thought the sky was on fire. Naturally, we blamed the Irish. We hanged more 'n a few.

Lisa: I'm an ugmo.
Homer: Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Father's have to say that little stuff.
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grandpa: No. You're homely as a mule's butt.
Homer: There. See?

Grandpa: Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions.

Grandpa: Are we there yet?
Homer: No
Grandpa: Are we there yet?
Homer: No
Grandpa: Are we there yet?
Homer: No
Grandpa: ........Where are we going?

 

[brad352]

Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Chief Wiggum: Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.
Marge: That's your hat.
Lou: She's good, chief.

(Speaking over emergency radio)
Marge: Chief Wiggum? my husbands gone crazy and is trying to murder my family; OVER
Chief Wiggum: oh, well thank good thats over, i starting to worry there....

Chief Wiggum: How do you like that, it's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purpose of gambling.

Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum. (laughs) Oh wait, I get it, he's all right.

Chief Wiggum: She didn't reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police. Now where did I put my badge? Hey, that duck's got it.

 

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Chief Wiggum on phone: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my god! He's dead?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'm sorry. He was DUI. I get those two confused. (hangs up phone)
Woman walks in: My name is Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband was DUI?
Chief Wiggum: Uh... talk to one of those officers over there. I'm going to lunch.

Chief Wiggum: All right. Come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says Capricorn, and something with coconut on it!

Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the Police Chief here. Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What was that, chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid says.

Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the ... uh ... what cures cancer?

Announcer: Your cable television is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
Wiggum (checking): Well I'll be damned

 

[brad352]

Chief Wiggum: Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls ... two, I suppose.

Chief Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.

Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

Chief Wiggum: Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit and the body of a rabbit.

Chief Wiggum: Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!

Chief Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.

Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.

Chief Wiggum: Okay folks, show's over. Nothing to see here, show's... Oh my god! A horrible plane crash! Hey everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around, crowd around!

 

[brad352]

Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2.

Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, that car thief can't hold his breath forever!
Cop: And if he can, Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Then God help us all!

Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with digging up a corpse?

Mayor Quimby: I stand by my racial slur.

Mayor Quimby: Now I'd like to introduce the Prophet of Love, Larry White.
Barry White: It's Barry White.
Mayor Quimby: No, the card says Larry White.
Barry White: I think I know my own name.
Mayor Quimby: Yeah, well we'll just see about that.

Marge: My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.
Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.

Mayor Quimby: Oh, dear God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?

 

[brad352]

Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.

Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels! (runs off])

Apu: Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I work, I work.

Apu: Homer's a delightful fella, sorry bout the salmonella!

Apu: Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels so smooth against my skin. Almost sensuous.

Apu: Mr.Simpson--A Twizzler is not a sprinkle...A Mounds is not a sprinkle...A Jolly Rancher is NOT a sprinkle!!!!

Apu: Homer, you are asleep at your post! Now go change the expiration dates on the dairy products!

Apu: Oooo, a headbag. These are chock full of...heady goodness.

 

[brad352]

Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.

Apu: Mrs. Simpson, I--I cannot go there. That is the scene of my spiritual depantsing.

Apu: Thank you for coming. I'll see you in Hell.

Apu: Look at that outrageous markup! You magnificent *******, I salute you!

Apu: By the 7 arms of Visnu, I swear it. I am not a Hindu

Apu: Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie!

Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
Homer: You're selling what, now?
Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.
Apu: He's got me there.

Lisa: Wow, a secret staircase. But what do you do if someone wants a non-alcoholic beer?
Apu: You know, it's never come up.

 

[brad352]

Wife: Now Cletus, why did ya haf to park next to my parents?
Cletus: Now, Now, Hun, they're my parents too...

Cletus: Hey slow down I wants to talk to ya! Give us 300 pretzels!
Marge (talking to Homer): Your see, a little persistence and patience, paid off.
That'll be 300 dollars!
Cletus: I dont think so, you see I got 300 coupons.
Marge: hmmm, I should of set limit one per customer.
Cletus: Ok, now hand them over!
HEY KIDS! WE EATIN DINNER TONIGHT! CMON!
Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dillan, Dermit, Jordan, Tailor, Brittney, Wesley, Rumor, Skyle, Cassidy, Zoe, Cloe, Max, Hunter, Kendel, Katelyn, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kira, Ean, Lauren, Kubert, Phil!

Cletus: Stranger! You're tresspassin' on my dirt farm!
Man: Ah, do you happen to need a mesiah?
Cletus: No, but I'll take them sacks of money from ya.

Cletus (at the carwash): All right youngens, bath time. Cover up your eyes and drop your britches! Who wants wax?

Cletus: Someone done stoled my wheels.