Best Simpsons Quotes

[brad352]

Milhouse: I don't know, my Dad's a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory.

Milhouse: But I'm All Milhouse! Plus, my mom says I'm the handsomest guy in school!

Milhouse: You promised fudgicles. So, where are the fudgicles?

Milhouse: Everything's coming up Milhouse!

Bart: Milhouse, what happened?! You were supposed to be watching the factory!
Milhouse: I was watchin'. First it started to fall over, then it fell over.

Milhouse: There's plenty of Milhouse to go around.

Milhouse: Weekend dad wanted a DVD player...

Milhouse: We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.

Milhouse: Why do you have a social worker? I am the one with stigmata

 

[brad352]

Milhouse: What kind of sprinkler do you perfer Bart, the kind that goes like this (while waving arms over head) whoosh, whoosh. Or the kind that goes like this (while turning head) pabapabapabapa-pssssh. Oh, and there's this kind (while waving arms and turning head) psssh-psssh-psssh.

Milhouse: Not only am I not learning, I'm forgetting stuff I used to know.

Milhouse: If I wasn't your friend, I'd tell you you sucked.

Milhouse: I'm not a nerd, Bart. Nerds are smart.

Milhouse: Look out Itchy! He's Irish

Milhouse: It's called lice, and it's nothing to be ashamed of!

 

[brad352]

Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.

Renee (Moe?s girlfriend): Really, you think I?m gorgeous?
Moe: Yeah, well the parts that are showing. I guess you could have a lot of weird scars or a fake ass or something.
Renee: You don?t talk to a lot of women do you?

Moe: I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.


Ned Flanders: You ugly hate-filled man.
Moe: Hey. I may be ugly and I may be hate-filled but ... uh ... what was that last thing you said?

Moe: Homer, lighten up! You're making Happy Hour bitterly ironic.

Moe: Uh, how do I say this without being offensive? Marge there ain't enough booze in this place to make you look good

 

[brad352]

Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

Moe: Hi, my name's Moe. Or as the ladies like to refer to me, 'hey you in the bushes'

Moe: People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
Joey runs out of the bar sobbing
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Moe: You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.

Rex Banner: What kind of pet shop is filled with rambuncious yahoos and hot jazz music at 1AM?
Moe: The best damn pet shop in town.

 

[brad352]

Moe: All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.

Moe: Maya Angelou is black?!?

Ned Flanders: Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat, the middleman who jacked up the price, and let's not forget the humane but determined boys at the slaughterhouse.

Ned Flanders: I've done everything the Bible says - even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!

Ned Flanders: Oh, golly, if that doesn't put the shaz in shazam. Oh listen, what's the cash value of those tickets so I can report it on my income taxes?

Kent Brockman: Dozens of people are gunned down each day, but until now, none of them was important. At 3:00 PM Friday, local aurocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at town hall. He was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then taken to a better hospital where his condition was upgraded to "alive."

 

[brad352]

Edna: Seymour, you have to think of the children's future.
Seymour: Oh, Edna. We all know that these children HAVE no future.
[Everyone stops and stares at Seymour.]
Seymour: Prove me wrong children. Prove me wrong.

Principal Skinner: Oh, you think this stolen 'H' is a laugh riot, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl! Well, I guess that is a little funny.

Principal Skinner: Order, order. Do you kids wanna be like the real UN or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?

Skinner: For Privacy's sake, lets call her Lisa S...Wait thats to ovious. How about L Simpson

Principal Skinner: Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.

Superintendant Chalmers: Steamed hams?
Principal Skinner: It's an upstate NY term.
Chalmers: Well I'm from utica, I've never heard of them.
Skinner: It's more of an albany term.

Principal Skinner: That's two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.

Principal Skinner: Children, I couldn't help monitoring you conversation. There's no mystery about Willie. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.

Principal Skinner: That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

 

[brad352]

Principal Skinner: I have caught word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it.

Principal Skinner: Curse the man who discovered helium. Curse Pierre Jules C?sar Janssen.

Frink: Oh my great good God! Gentlemen, your attention please. I am detecting a gigiantic amphibious life-form, it's 80 meters long and it's heading this way. Oh good glayven it's on my shoe. It's a small frog, just get off, just get off there, just get out of it, get out of it. Stupid machine, oh wait a minute, this isn't the Monsterometer, it's the Frog-Exaggerator Mm-hai.

Ha ha wha. Oh, sorry I'm late. There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying when the monkeys stole the glasses off my head. Wh-ha ha.
(The screen fades.)
Frink: Oh, no, please no. I have a funny story if you listen. I even wrote theme music, here listen. Ha ha, mm-m hey hey, Professor Frink, Professor Frink, He'll make you laugh, he'll make you think, He likes to run, and then the thing, with the... mm-m person... Oh boy, that monkey is going to pay.

Frink: You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and the kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving.
Scientist: How much time do we have professor?
Frink: Well according to my calculations, the robots won't go berserk for at least 24 hours.
(The robots go berserk.)
Frink: Oh, I forgot to er, carry the one.

Frink: Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is... Love!? Who's been screwing with this thing?

 

[brad352]

Frink: Well, sure, the Frinkiac-7 looks impressive, don't touch it, but I predict that within 100 years, computers will be twice as powerful, 10,000 times larger, and so expensive that only the five richest kings of Europe will own them.
Apu: Could it be used for dating?
Frink: Well, theoretically, yes. But the computer matches would be so perfect as to eliminate the thrill of romantic conquest. Mw-hurgn-whey.

Frink: Oh Dear, I've been RE-DORKULATED!

Frink: Mmm-hai-hey, let's see now, we have the Monsterometer, Flipper-finder, Hoax-a-scope which is important for the looking and finding.

Rainier: My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

Mcbain: That outfit makes you look like a homosexual.
Audience: Booooo!!!
Mcbain: Maybe you all are homosexuals, too.

Director: Up and atom!
McBain: Up and at them.
Director: Up and ATOM!
McBain: Up and atdem!
Director: UP AND ATOM!
McBain: UP AND ATEM!
Director: .. Better.

Rainier: My new movie is me, standing in front of a brick wall for 90 minutes. It cost 80 million dollars to make.
Jay Sherman: how do you sleep at night?
Rainier: on top of a pile of money, with many beautiful women.

Rainier: I have purchased the Springfield YMCA. I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve. There, I will hunt the deadliest game of all... man

McBain: Leave me a message after the beep..BUT DON'T BE A MESSAGE HOG USING UP ALL MY TAPE!

 

[brad352]

McBain: Laughing time is ovah.

Woman: Well, you certainly broke up that meeting.
Mcbain: Right now I'm thinking about holding another meeting?In bed.

Rainer(looking at shoes): On closer inspection, these are loafers.

Rainier: Someone please, give me a job. I lowered my quote to $8 million. I do nude scene, I play nerd. Don't make me punch your throat!

Rainier: Maria, my mighty heart is breaking. I'll be in the Humvee.

Sea Captain: Yar, I'm not attractive.

Bart: Have you seen this man? (blows up balloon that shows krusty's face)
Sea Captain: Yar, that be handsome pete, he dances on the pier for nickels!
Bart: No, this man. (blows up balloon more)
(Lisa and Bart leave and toss some money to handsome pete)
Sea Captain: Arrr... you gave him a quarter, he'll be dancin all day.

Sea Captain: Arr, this be the yarrest river-goin' boat thar be.
(boat sinks)
Sea Captain: Arr ... I don't know what I'm doin.

Man: I'm telling you the light would work better if it pointed out to sea.
Sea Captianr: Arr, shut up. I know what I'm doin'.
(a boat crashes in the distance)
Sea Captian: Arr, I hate the sea and everything in it.

 

[brad352]

Sea Captain: Yar, I'm running a school for lobsters, we practice tough love, daily chores etc.
Marge: We're not sending the lobster to a snooty boarding school!
Sea captain: I understand, it can be hard to let go. Tell me this then ... (holds out hand)do ye have any spare change?

Sea Captain: Yar, sometimes I wonder why I bother plunderin' at all.

Sideshow Bob: Ah, corn chips.The perfect snack ..................for revenge!
Leo: Augh!Terrible!
Sideshow Bob: Oh hush up, Leo!

Sideshow Bob: By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.

Marge - Stay away from my boy!
Sideshow Bob - Oh i'll stay away alright STAY AWAY FOR EVER!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ... wait thats not right. (walks off)(runs back)
Sideshow Bob - Ok, Marge, I've got a good one now, say "stay away from my boy again."
Marge - No!

Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder, now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

Laywer: Well, what about that tatoo on your chest? Doesn't it say Die, Bart, Die?
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for 'The Bart, The."
Parole Judge: No one who speaks German can be an evil man! Parole Granted!

Sideshow Bob: You want the truth! You can't handle the truth! No truth handler you! Bah! I deride your truth handling abilities!

Sideshow Bob: Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!

 

[brad352]

Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it,

Sideshow Bob: Well, if it isn't my arch-nemesis Bart Simpson. And his sister Lisa to whom I'm fairly indifferent.

Barlow: Sideshow Bob, councilman Les Whinen says that you're not experienced enough to be mayor. Sir, what do you have to say about that?
Sideshow Bob: I'd say that Les Whinen ought to do more thinking and less whining!

Superintendent Chalmers: I've had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...

Superintendent Chalmers: "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion.

Chalmers: Why is it when I heard the word 'school' and the word 'exploded,' I immediately thought of the word 'SKINNER'?

 

[brad352]

Troy McClure: HI. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self help tapes as 'Smoke yourself thin' and 'Get some confidence, Stupid!

Troy McClure: Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

Troy McClure: Hi. I'm Troy McClure, you might remember me from such public service videos as "Designated Drivers, the Lifesaving Nerds" and "Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness."

Parker: Troy! Mac Parker. Ever hear of Planet of the Apes?
Troy McClure: Uh ... the movie or the planet?
Parker: The brand-new multimillion dollar musical. And you are starring ... as the human.
Troy McClure: It's the part I was born to play, baby!

Troy McClure: Hi. I'm Troy McClure, you might remember me from such driver's ed films as "Alice's Adventures through the Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot."

Troy McClure: My good looks paid for that pool, and my talent filled it with water. Hi, I'm Troy McClure, your future uncle.
Lisa: Hi. I remember you from such filmstrips as Locker Room Towel Fight: the Blinding of Larry Driscoll.
Troy McClure: You know, I was one of the first to speak out against horseplay.

Troy McClure: Hi. I'm Troy McClure, you might remember me from such celebrity funerals as "Andre The Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye" and "Shemp Howard, Today We Mourn A Stooge."

Selma: But ... don't you love me?
Troy McClure: Sure I do! Like I love Fresca. Isn't that enough? The only difference between our marriage and any one else's is: we know ours is a sham.

 

[madmattg]

Ha ha ha funny sh*t.

Let me see you like the simpsons.

 

[brad352]

Not that much any more

 

[Jarryd]

Brad you have to do this on every forum, don't you