→ M.j.

[Annoyingdevil]

Yo These jokes are copyright and they are not Yours

 

[McLOVIN]

hey i never said they are mine! i never said i wrote them!! and every one knows it!
i just titled it McLOVIN JOKE because i posted them and pluse i didnt know what else to call it

now dont come with all the names i could have picked...because i dont need your advice

MacLovin added 3 Minutes and 20 Seconds later...

I understand them, I just think that they are funny...

one advice...
get a sense of humor and come back when your at least in High school

MacLovin added 0 Minutes and 46 Seconds later...

and thank you Tom

 

[Dr. Pepper]

Haha they were hilarious.

 

[McLOVIN]

Second Opinion

Second Opinion​

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"

 

[siddharth2002]

Some of these jokes are really good.
Don't mind the other jokers.

 

[McLOVIN]

thank you Dr.P. & Sid02
Lol "dont mind the other jokers"

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MacLovin added 19 Minutes and 3 Seconds later...

Graphic Dady!​

the original pic

with a little help of graphic dad!

​

 

[McLOVIN]

EURO English
​

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

[Highlander999]

HAHA, that last one is pretty funny. I haven't even seen the majority of these

 

[KBC]

hey i never said they are mine! i never said i wrote them!! and every one knows it!
i just titled it McLOVIN JOKE because i posted them and pluse i didnt know what else to call it

now dont come with all the names i could have picked...because i dont need your advice

MacLovin added 3 Minutes and 20 Seconds later...


one advice...
get a sense of humor and come back when your at least in High school

MacLovin added 0 Minutes and 46 Seconds later...

and thank you Tom

Please calm down mate, every post doesn't need to fill with sense of humour, it's basically to explain the intentions, and PLEASE Stop in the behavior of "the world should run my way " and the advise thing, PC opposes such kind of a behavior, and please, once again, don't take this word as "who in the world is he to tell me all this?".... If you want to be as you are of now, thn you can't stay in PC for much longer time, and it's a kind request', please take it carefully..

 

[McLOVIN]

Bollywood Mein Spider Men Ki Dhoom
For The Bolly-Lovers =)
[some good hindi speaker translate that to the non hindi speaker pls. i understand what it means, but i cant translate it =|]

MacLovin added 2 Minutes and 49 Seconds later...

Young Married Woman​

A young married woman was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend.
The girlfriend asked, "Do you talk to your husband when you're making
love ?"

She thought about it a minute then said, "Well, no. But I could. I
mean he has a cell phone and all now."

 

[McLOVIN]

REAL POLICE CALLS​

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dispatcher: 911
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

MacLovin added 2 Minutes and 12 Seconds later...

"I want a divorce"​

A Hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a Divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"

The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."

the lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres"

The lawyer said, "No, No, you don`t understand, do you have a suit?"

The farmer said "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."

The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I ain`t got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that`s where I parks the John Deere"

The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"

The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"

The farmer said, "No, she`s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that`s why I wants a dayvorce."

MacLovin added 3 Minutes and 26 Seconds later...

»»Word Perfect Helpline««​

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔↔
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

 

[McLOVIN]

Hair Remover​

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.

The lady went to the drug store and got some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist said "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either; and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

[Spinksy]

I like the dayvorce one tbh.

 

[McLOVIN]

 

[Spinksy]

That in a way is quite true.