→ M.j.

[McLOVIN]

i dont know how those pictures were INAPPROPRIATE :

any ways...

Chapped Lips
There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.

Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"

To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."

Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"

"No, but it stops me from licking them!"

MacLovin added 0 Minutes and 42 Seconds later...

A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open.

Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?

MacLovin added 0 Minutes and 59 Seconds later...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

MacLovin added 0 Minutes and 37 Seconds later...

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

MacLovin added 0 Minutes and 51 Seconds later...

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

 

[Neo95]

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

I know that joke very well.

 

[McLOVIN]

good for you

 

[Master Khan]

you seen to find a good joke on Internet and then posting here....Clever I guess:cool:

 

[McLOVIN]

yes i DO NOT RIGHT THE JOKES! I dont think most of the ppl posts from internet...but thanks =)

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

 

[Annoyingdevil]

yes i DO NOT RIGHT THE JOKES! I dont think most of the ppl posts from internet...but thanks =)

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ?My friend is dead! What can I do??

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ?Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.? There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: ?OK, now what??

I don't get this joke....it's stupid

 

[McLOVIN]

umm it could be other way around :

 

[McLOVIN]

How to Ruin a Picture

​

 

[Niv]

OMG ROFL!

3,6 and 8 are legendary!

 

[McLOVIN]

The President''s Puzzle

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"


Mad Cows


Two cows were talking in the field.

One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"

The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"



Lion Tamer


A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

MacLovin added 2 Minutes and 33 Seconds later...

Final Exam

Four college friends were so confident that the
weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas
and party with some friends up there. They had a
great time. However, after all the partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until
early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find
their professor after the final and explain to him why
they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the
weekend with the plan to come back and study but,
unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back,
didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long
time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could
make up the final the following day. The guys were
elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the
time the professor had told them. He placed them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet,
and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was
something simple about free radical formation. "Cool,"
they thought at the same time, each one in his
separate room. "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On
the second page was written:


(For 95 points): Which tire?

MacLovin added 3 Minutes and 32 Seconds later...

Dinner Disaster

A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party.

As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid- section.

The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage.

As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."

The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped.

Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. "It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."

MacLovin added 1 Minutes and 53 Seconds later...

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

 

[McLOVIN]

 

[Cricketdude]

LOL that's good.

 

[McLOVIN]

Essex Blondes

As a lorry driver in Essex stops for a red
light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his lorry, and knocks on the door. The driver lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Tracy and you are losing some of your load."

The lorry driver ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the lorry driver lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Tracy, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the lorry driver ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the cab door. The lorry driver lowers the window.

Again she says "Hi, my name is Tracy and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the lorry revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the lorry, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a #&% GRITTER!!!"


MacLovin added 1 Minutes and 53 Seconds later...


Man Jokes

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys 24 CANS of beer, instead of 12.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why does it take 100 million sperm, to fertilize
one egg?
Because not one will stop, and ask for directions

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring, and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.


MacLovin added 2 Minutes and 40 Seconds later...


Fax
Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting in a
sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American
pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The other men looked at him
questioningly.

"That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang! . The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished his conversation, he explained: "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be outdone. He
stepped out of the sauna ! and went to the bathroom.

He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his backside. The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced around and said
"Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm gettin' a fax!




MacLovin added 1 Minutes and 15 Seconds later...


washcloth

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the
afternoon and that morning I received a call from the doctor's office
to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was
already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes,
so I didn't have time to spare.

As most woman do I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to
make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas,
wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself
a quick wash "in that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes,
hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an
extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The
rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had
all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it. "


MacLovin added 0 Minutes and 35 Seconds later...



NunsSitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He
to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the
car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front
seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger
to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that 22 was the highway number, Not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in
this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a
peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off
Highway 189

 

[khalek]

The air hostesses must be sexy there

 

[McLOVIN]

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