→ M.j.
- Thread starter McLOVIN
- Start date
Annoyingdevil
Club Cricketer
that Banned From Kmart was preety funny
is that a true letter?
is that a true letter?
Elephant Cure (Adult)
Bob goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination, the doctor tells him, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing we can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment."
Bob asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor says, "what we should do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Bob thinks about it silently and says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation, Bob was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner, he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure, Bob unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first and then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"
Bob replied,"Well I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ***".
MacLovin added 1 Minutes and 29 Seconds later...
Watching The Game
A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he’s very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won’t disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, “Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
The leper sits down and adds, “As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move.”
“It doesn’t bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game.”
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.”
“It’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.”
“Really, it’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”
So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so sick, then what is?”
“It’s that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back.”
MacLovin added 0 Minutes and 33 Seconds later...
MacLovin added 15 Minutes and 36 Seconds later...
Machine Diagnosis (Adult)
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.
MacLovin added 4 Minutes and 55 Seconds later...
Pregnant Woman on a Bus
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her, so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, ''Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweet sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I
could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goldcircle Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Last edited:
Bad English: Part II
Notice of Ice Slideway
This sign is from a Chinese ski resort
Ice slideway is an entertainment of update and excitability. For your pleasure and safety, please read the following notice carefully.
1. After buying the ticket, go to ice slideway platform through the stairs on both sides in order with the guidance of workmen; for your safety, please take the basket willingly to avoid slip;
2. Larking during going upstairs and on the platform is forbidden;
3. Please obey arrangement of workmen and stand in a line when waiting on the platform; sit down and ski down, during this period, make sure that your legs are put together and arms are put inwards to avoid the collision with ice edge;
4. Please leave the ice slideway immediately after reaching the bottom to avoid the collission with following tourists;
5. Keep the environmental sanitation; throw litter into specified garbage box.
Notice of Ice Slideway
This sign is from a Chinese ski resort
Ice slideway is an entertainment of update and excitability. For your pleasure and safety, please read the following notice carefully.
1. After buying the ticket, go to ice slideway platform through the stairs on both sides in order with the guidance of workmen; for your safety, please take the basket willingly to avoid slip;
2. Larking during going upstairs and on the platform is forbidden;
3. Please obey arrangement of workmen and stand in a line when waiting on the platform; sit down and ski down, during this period, make sure that your legs are put together and arms are put inwards to avoid the collision with ice edge;
4. Please leave the ice slideway immediately after reaching the bottom to avoid the collission with following tourists;
5. Keep the environmental sanitation; throw litter into specified garbage box.
Programming Jokes
How can you tell when a programmer has had sex?
When he?s washing the pepper spray out of his eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, ?Are you ill??
The second byte replies, ?No, just feeling a bit off.?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, ?Can I get you anything??
?Yeah,? reply the bytes. ?Make us a double.?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How many programers dose it take to change a light bulb?
None - It?s a hardare problem
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don?t.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
?Knock, knock.?
?Who?s there??
very long pause?.
?Java.?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, ?Can?t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!?
To which the man replies, ?I am a programmer. We don?t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. ?I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.?
The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, ?I?d want peace in the Middle East.?
The genie responds, ?Gee, I don?t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.?
The programmer then says, ?Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.?
At which point the genie responds, ?Um, let me see that map again.?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It?s so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
?I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, ?So what?ll it be??
The first string says, ?I think I?ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu?
?Please excuse my friend,? the second string says, ?He isn?t null-terminated.?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From the Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary:
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. - The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One hundred little bugs in the code
One hundred little bugs.
Fix a bug, link the fix in,
One hundred little bugs in the code.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, ?Where?d you get that??
The student on the bike replies, ?While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ?You can have anything you want?.?
The first student responds, ?Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn?t have fit you.?
How can you tell when a programmer has had sex?
When he?s washing the pepper spray out of his eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, ?Are you ill??
The second byte replies, ?No, just feeling a bit off.?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, ?Can I get you anything??
?Yeah,? reply the bytes. ?Make us a double.?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How many programers dose it take to change a light bulb?
None - It?s a hardare problem
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don?t.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
?Knock, knock.?
?Who?s there??
very long pause?.
?Java.?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, ?Can?t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!?
To which the man replies, ?I am a programmer. We don?t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. ?I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.?
The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, ?I?d want peace in the Middle East.?
The genie responds, ?Gee, I don?t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.?
The programmer then says, ?Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.?
At which point the genie responds, ?Um, let me see that map again.?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It?s so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
?I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, ?So what?ll it be??
The first string says, ?I think I?ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu?
?Please excuse my friend,? the second string says, ?He isn?t null-terminated.?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From the Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary:
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. - The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One hundred little bugs in the code
One hundred little bugs.
Fix a bug, link the fix in,
One hundred little bugs in the code.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, ?Where?d you get that??
The student on the bike replies, ?While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ?You can have anything you want?.?
The first student responds, ?Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn?t have fit you.?
Doctor's talk
An Israeli doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work."
An Israeli doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work."
Man + Woman
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate overnight.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate overnight.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
