→ M.j.

McLOVIN

Chairman of Selectors
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Aug 1, 2008
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I will Put all the jokes here. so you guys wont have to look for my jokes in different places to give me Bad Reps. You can find there here. Making your life easier. :rolleyes:
 
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What's the point of starting a thread when most of the jokes you post have already been posted by previous members?
 
What's the point of starting a thread when most of the jokes you post have already been posted by previous members?

you act like you have to pay for it, every time some one opens a thread?
or are you jealous because you cant find a reason open a new thread?



MacLovin added 1 Minutes and 20 Seconds later...




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MacLovin added 1 Minutes and 8 Seconds later...



It was professor smith s first day at st. Johns medical college as a faculty.

Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class.

He said, Well students, before we start off with today s lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy .

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?

Hearing this question, Suzie s face grew pale in embarrassment,

she replied: you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can t answer your, this question

Thwarted by the girl s reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: pupil of a human eye.

The professor applauded for the boy s accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said:

Look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:

(1) You lack knowledge

(2) You have a dirty mind and

(3) Your Expectations are too high!!!!!!!
 
You got me, I'm jealous of your unrivalled thread-opening ability. Carry on.
 
I will carry on, if you dont like it why are you in my thread in 1st place??

---------------

Husband to wife: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.


MacLovin added 7 Minutes and 56 Seconds later...

Don't waste toilet paper

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MacLovin added 3 Minutes and 18 Seconds later...


Tag! YOU ARE IT!!



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Because you've started a thread on 'your' jokes when they're not really your jokes at all. What's the point of creating a new thread rather than just posting in The Jokes Thread? It's like me starting a thread on my graphics and pinching all of KBC's work. But, if you think there's a point in this thread then continue and I won't say anymore.
 
I even like his jokes. :) But it would be effective if he Created a Jokes thread of his own to put all of his jokes there.

Make one thread, and put all your jokes in there Mate, then post all your great jokes :)

Yeah, don't be scared. You have the support of us older, legends :p Don't let some of the new spammers/idiots (we all know who they are) put you off. But as tobes suggested, maybe you create your own thread? :)

I will also add, to the person(s) who are giving this guy a hard time. Lay off him or you will have me to deal with. You don't want to get me started. I despise bullies.

Now I have gone off topic enough here :p


Any other Questions??
 
You've got me there. I can't disagree with them...

btw, they're not your jokes!!!

I can't be arsed to argue anymore
 
A Groom's Tale


I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."



And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!




MacLovin added 1 Minutes and 42 Seconds later...



Embarrassing Medical Exams​


1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her under- wear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm r unning out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answ ered..'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the
surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn .'
Submitted by RN no name

AND.................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
 
Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
 
A 7th Grader can hardly understand those :p

khalek added 1 Minutes and 4 Seconds later...

@Mac, just name this thread "Maclovin's Sex Jokes" :rolleyes:
I understand them, I just think that they are funny...
 

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