Steve Moore
Club Cricketer
Sorry about the delay over this next update. Just got very emotional trying to write it myself. You could say that it's a little too close to home!
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New Year’s Eve
December 31st, that’s what it should be called…well, in my mind anyway. Just another day in the calendar, another ordinary 1/365th in the year. It isn’t though is it? It’s New Year’s Eve, full of hopes & aspirations, resolutions & beginnings. Not for me it’s not. Certainly, when I think about it, it hasn’t since Laura died. Since I was saved from oblivion by Mick dragging me back to the football world, all my hopes, aspirations, resolutions & new beginnings have come on the usually sunny August afternoons when my Luton kids/Santander/Levante players have trooped out for a new season. A blank script, everyone on 0 points. It’s corny & cheesy to say it, particularly as I’ve sort of nicked it from Nick Hornby, but it’s true. I now live my life in seasons not years.
Thinking about it, I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way I ever got over the oblivion I was in after Laura’s death to even become a normal(ish!) person again was to absolve myself into the footballing world so much, that I actually turned it into a sort of parallel universe totally different to the one that caused me all that emotional pain & suffering.
Usually we’d all go out to get absolutely hammered on New Year’s Eve & well, I’d join them. This year though, no amount of peer pressure would get me out for the night. I had more important things to think about.
So I did, I laid back on my bed, stuck on my copious collection of Pink Floyd CD’s & DVD’s (see, I’m not quite a musical moron!) & spent the night thinking about…well…everything really. About Jahiya & Toni, thinking that, to be fair, I must’ve made some progress this year because of them. The good times Laura & me had shared while she was alive. The image my imagination conjures up of how she may have looked after the crash, that still makes we weep, thinking about it. I even thought about football & Levante for a while! What really turned me into a shivering wreck though, was thinking about one night in particular. The night of 28th October 2001:
I wouldn’t, well I think the phase ‘emotionally couldn’t’ would be more apt, have told you this before. I must also stress that anyone who finds this shocking to read, I apologise, but I want it off my chest. That is because the 28th October 2001 was the night I attempted to commit suicide. As a result, it was also the night that MSN saved my life.
I had been really considering this move for a while, but for some reason I had chosen this to be the night, I can’t remember what that reason was, but there was one at the time. I’d made my final phone calls to friends & family, making the roundabout final goodbye speech that wouldn’t be obviously interpreted as such until after the event. Getting into several arguments with everyone along the way over some pretty mundane stuff. I believe this was my way of relieving myself of any preemptive guilt by proving that all these people didn’t really care about me & wouldn’t miss me.
I was just in the process of attempting to finish these by giving the same thing with Beth on MSN; however, she was proving very difficult for me to force an argument with her to the point where I just thought that there was no need to, as her life would be a lot easier without me. So I slanted my goodbyes & went to end it. Just as I was to go ahead with the act, god bless her, the phone rang & it was Beth. What made me pick it up, I still don’t know to this day, but I did. She’d obviously realised, what I was going to do somehow & managed to talk me round.
The next thing I knew, I was waking up at god knows what hour, weeping & with a knife lying next to me on the bed. I was that close to, if not killing myself at least making what would officially be considered an attempt to do so. To this day, Beth doesn’t know how close to the wire I was, even if I told her she probably wouldn’t believe me.
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New Year’s Eve
December 31st, that’s what it should be called…well, in my mind anyway. Just another day in the calendar, another ordinary 1/365th in the year. It isn’t though is it? It’s New Year’s Eve, full of hopes & aspirations, resolutions & beginnings. Not for me it’s not. Certainly, when I think about it, it hasn’t since Laura died. Since I was saved from oblivion by Mick dragging me back to the football world, all my hopes, aspirations, resolutions & new beginnings have come on the usually sunny August afternoons when my Luton kids/Santander/Levante players have trooped out for a new season. A blank script, everyone on 0 points. It’s corny & cheesy to say it, particularly as I’ve sort of nicked it from Nick Hornby, but it’s true. I now live my life in seasons not years.
Thinking about it, I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way I ever got over the oblivion I was in after Laura’s death to even become a normal(ish!) person again was to absolve myself into the footballing world so much, that I actually turned it into a sort of parallel universe totally different to the one that caused me all that emotional pain & suffering.
Usually we’d all go out to get absolutely hammered on New Year’s Eve & well, I’d join them. This year though, no amount of peer pressure would get me out for the night. I had more important things to think about.
So I did, I laid back on my bed, stuck on my copious collection of Pink Floyd CD’s & DVD’s (see, I’m not quite a musical moron!) & spent the night thinking about…well…everything really. About Jahiya & Toni, thinking that, to be fair, I must’ve made some progress this year because of them. The good times Laura & me had shared while she was alive. The image my imagination conjures up of how she may have looked after the crash, that still makes we weep, thinking about it. I even thought about football & Levante for a while! What really turned me into a shivering wreck though, was thinking about one night in particular. The night of 28th October 2001:
I wouldn’t, well I think the phase ‘emotionally couldn’t’ would be more apt, have told you this before. I must also stress that anyone who finds this shocking to read, I apologise, but I want it off my chest. That is because the 28th October 2001 was the night I attempted to commit suicide. As a result, it was also the night that MSN saved my life.
I had been really considering this move for a while, but for some reason I had chosen this to be the night, I can’t remember what that reason was, but there was one at the time. I’d made my final phone calls to friends & family, making the roundabout final goodbye speech that wouldn’t be obviously interpreted as such until after the event. Getting into several arguments with everyone along the way over some pretty mundane stuff. I believe this was my way of relieving myself of any preemptive guilt by proving that all these people didn’t really care about me & wouldn’t miss me.
I was just in the process of attempting to finish these by giving the same thing with Beth on MSN; however, she was proving very difficult for me to force an argument with her to the point where I just thought that there was no need to, as her life would be a lot easier without me. So I slanted my goodbyes & went to end it. Just as I was to go ahead with the act, god bless her, the phone rang & it was Beth. What made me pick it up, I still don’t know to this day, but I did. She’d obviously realised, what I was going to do somehow & managed to talk me round.
The next thing I knew, I was waking up at god knows what hour, weeping & with a knife lying next to me on the bed. I was that close to, if not killing myself at least making what would officially be considered an attempt to do so. To this day, Beth doesn’t know how close to the wire I was, even if I told her she probably wouldn’t believe me.
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