The Jokes Thread

[spooony]

Worth noting: running ' reboot -h ' does NOT produce a helpful usage message

rm -rf /bin/laden

No printing is permitted of this book.
This book cannot be given to someone else.
This book cannot be read aloud." ? License terms for Adobe ebooks.

Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes." ? Page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees"

I will write on a huge cement block ' BY ACCEPTING THIS BRICK THROUGH YOUR WINDOW, YOU ACCEPT IT AS IS AND AGREE TO MY DISCLAIMER OF ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, AS WELL AS DISCLAIMERS OF ALL LIABILITY, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL OR INCIDENTAL, THAT MAY ARISE FROM THE INSTALLATION OF THIS BRICK INTO YOUR BUILDING .' And then hurl it through the window of a Sony officer and run like hell

 

[Fenil]

Create a folder in MS windows name it as Con

I saw this on FB

 

[SiriusBlack]

edited

 

[Ahmad94]

I saw this on FB

Too Good Fenil, Too Good.

 

[FabregasChelsea]

I saw this on FB

Copying at its BEST

 

[SiriusBlack]

edited

 

[Fenil]

Copying at its BEST

I'm glad you appreciated something about others.

 

[SiriusBlack]

edited

 

[spooony]

There is no light. The Sun sucks dark. In fact it sucks dark so hard that the friction of the dark moving to the Sun causes the Sun to be very hot. The flow of dark towards the Sun interrupted by the Earth causes the side of the Earth away from the Sun to accumulate dark, thus causing Night. As the Earth rotates the dark caught on the night side can then be pulled off, this causing the absence of dark known as Day.
What we call light bulbs are truly dark suckers as well. That is why light bulbs are hot, just like the Sun. When a light bulb is full of dark and won't suck dark any more, it cools off. If you look in old light bulbs you can even seen the accumulation of dark.
Dark is also heavier than water. This can be seen in the oceans where the deeper you go the darker it gets

 

[VC the slogger]

Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis,
would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.

Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three leading candidates :-

Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians and consults astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also smokes quite often and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then toggle display of the spoiler text for the answer.

ANSWERS

Spoiler

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler!
And by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you just killed most famous and influential composers of all time, Ludwig van Beethoven!
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone .

 

[Ahmad94]

^This is actually really good. Really fun and informative.

 

[sami ullah khan]

Why is that in jokes thread

 

[spooony]

From a local newspaper

 

[VC the slogger]

A man says to his wife "Honey, I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office and I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, and please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!"

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being a good wife she does exactly as her husband said.
The following weekend, the man returned home looking a little tired but good. The wife welcomed him and asked him if he caught any fish?
The man replied "Yes, lots of salmon, blue gill and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my blue silk pyjamas?"
The wife answered (you'll love this one! )

Spoiler

"I did.. They're in your fishing box!"

Moral - Never lie to a smart woman!

 

[Anish.]

Really Great VC ,