The Jokes Thread

[spooony]

I decided to test out the theory that if you throw a cat off a building they will always land on their feet.
It's true, in the time it took me to get outside the cat had already got himself a steady job, a decent house and his own family.

Apparently Facebook may allow kids under 13 to join.
The Chinese government has lodged a complaint saying that none of their workers will get anything done now.

Oscar Pistorius

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints.


She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

Oscar Pistorius cricket bat claims is not true as the blood on it is from another murder

 

[VC the slogger]

A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience due to which she saw god.

Seeing god, she asked "Is my time up?".

God said "No, you have another 34 years to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color.

Finally she was released from the hospital. On her way back home while crossing the road, she was run over and killed by a truck.

She arrived in front of god and asked "You said I had another 34 years to live. So why didn't you save me from being run over by that truck?"

God replied (you'll love this one ) :-

Spoiler

I couldn't recognize you!

 

[icyman]

A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class of 3rd grade.
The boy said 'M'am, I should b in 4th grade,I'm smarter than my sis & she's in the 4th grade'.
The M'am {Teacher} had heard enough of his complains & took the boy 2 the Principal's office.
She explained everything 2 the Principal who decided 2 test the boy with some questions that a 4th grade should know.
Principal: What's 3+3?
Boy: 6
Principal: 6+6?
Boy: 12
& so on..
The Principal asked the boy many ques $ the boy got them right.
The Principal then asked M'am 2 send the boy 2 4th grade.
M'am decided 2 ask some more questions & the Principal agreed.
M'am: What does a cow have 4 of,that I've only 2 of?
Boy: Legs
M'am: What's in ur pants that u have but I dont have?
Boy: Pockets
M'am: What starts wit a C & ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
M'am: What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide,but b4 he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.
Boy: Bubble Gum
M'am: U stick ur poles inside me. U tie me down 2 get me up, I get wet b4 u do. What am I?
Boy: Tent
The principal was looking restless
M'am: A finger goes in me. U fiddle with me when u're bored. The best man always has me 1stn what am I?
Boy: Wedding Ring
M'am: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When u blow me,u feel good?
Boy: Nose
M'am: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates,I come with a quiver
Boy:Arrow
M'am: What starts wit 'F' & ends with a 'K' & if u dont get it, u've 2 use ur hand?
Boy:Fork
M'am: Whats it that all men have,it's longer in some men than others,the Pope doesn't use his & a man gives it 2 his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname
M'am: What part of the man has no bone,but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpin & is responsible 4 making love?
Boy: Heart
The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher:- 'Send the boy 2 University, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself!=))

 

[VC the slogger]

An American and an Indian man were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American ?You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven?t even met once. We call this arranged marriage.
I don?t want to marry a woman whom I don?t love? I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.?

The American said "Talking about love marriages? I?ll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for three years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father?s father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father?s brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father?s son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems?"

 

[icyman]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her

garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me

fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live

in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK,

you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make

your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"fearsome tweak me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

 

[spooony]

Impressively, only 2% of the people I operated on died last year.
But for some reason the authorities think that's too high for a dentist.


Adele: "Guess she gave you things, I didn't give to you"
Like an erection, maybe?

What is the actual scientific name for holy water?
Water.


South African police have installed state of the art technology outside the bail address of Oscar Pistorius to ensure he doesn't leave.
A cattle grid.

 

[ste_mc_efc]

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

 

[spooony]

I'm not saying I need a pube trimmer, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban

 

[icyman]

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.

A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash
your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen
mask and replies, "That was really very nice but, are... my... test... results... back??"

 

[Ahmad94]

^Really good one, after a long time. Actually laughed after a long time.

 

[Sulaiman7]

Great joke Icyman !

 

[spooony]

I'm really disappointed in Lance Armstrong.

He's making innocent young drug users think cycling is cool.

 

[Ahmad94]

I'm really disappointed in Lance Armstrong.

He's making innocent young drug users think cycling is cool.

This one was actually really funny.

 

[spooony]

Me and the wife have invented a collision avoidance system for our car.

I'm calling it the iDrive

 

[Gurjot95]

Heart Touching Story.

Girl - I am having Vagina surgery.

Boyfriend - I know.

Girl - I love you!

Boyfriend - I love you too!

After surgery, girl wakes up and sees only her Dad is there.

Girl - Where is my Boyfriend?

Dad - Who do you think gave you the vagina?

Girl - what.

--------------------------------------
Levels of stress
1) You pick up a hitchhiker, A beautiful young girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car. You take her to the hospital.

-Stressful

2) But hospital says she is pregnant and you are going to be a father. You swiftly say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are!!

-Very stressful

3) You request a DNA test to prove ?you are NOT the father? and insist on providing a sperm sample.

After the test are completed the doctor says that you are INFERTILE, and probably have been since birth.

-Extreme Stress but relieved

4) On your way home you think about your 3 kids

-STRESS