The Jokes Thread

[thedon5]

There was a ginger guy using the self-checkout in Tesco earlier and the machine said "unexpected item in the bagging area".

Condoms.

Nice step up after your last one.

 

[AngryPixel]

No offense to rednecks. These are just for fun

The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms

Benign.............................What you be after you be eight.

Artery.............................The study of paintings.

Bacteria...........................Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.............................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section...................A neighborhood in Rome.

CATscan............................Searching for kitty.

Cauterize..........................Made eye contact with her.

Coma...............................A punctuation mark.

Dilate.............................To live long.

Enema..............................Not a friend.

Fester.............................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.............................A small lie.

Genital............................Non-Jewish person.

Impotent...........................Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain.........................Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff......................A Doctor's cane.

Morbid.............................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates...........................Cheaper than day rates.

Node...............................I knew it.

Outpatient.........................A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear..........................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis.............................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative.....................A letter carrier.

Recovery Room......................Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.............................Damn near killed him.

Secretion..........................Hiding something.

Seizure............................Roman emperor.

Tablet.............................A small table.

Terminal Illness...................Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor..............................More than one.

Urine..............................Opposite of you're out.

Varicose...........................Near by/close by.

 

[Themer]

 

[Themer]

I hate miserable tourists on the tube. Nothing worse than having a Jap sigh in your face.

 

[Pranav]

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

Carla: Tylenol

Teacher: Excellent, what is it used for?

Carla: Headaches.

Paul: Nytol

Teacher: Excellent, what is it used for?

Paul: To sleep.

Now it is little Johnny’s turn. He says Viagra.

Teacher slightly shocked: Johnny, what do you think it is used for? Johnny: Diarrhea.

Teacher: Who told you that?

Johnny: Nobody, I hear mom say to dad every morning 'take a viagra, maybe that little ████ will get harder!'

 

[kandy422]

'take a viagra, maybe that little ████ will get harder!'

Ha ha ha, Little john rocks...

 

[Biggy]

Haarithan's signature.

 

[-D-S-B-]

Backstreet's Back Alright !!!

 

[Aswin8]

guys put some blade jokes

 

[SciD]

Baby mosquito came back after 1st time flying.
His dad asked him "How do you feel?"
He replied "It was wonderful, everyone was clapping for me!"

 

[Haarithan]

Haarithan's signature.

Backstreet's Back Alright !!!

Seriously what was so funny in that one ??
They have just produced a mega hit album in "This is Us"

 

[pcfan123]

Only teenage girls and confused teenage boys listen to Backstreet Boys

 

[Themer]

They have just produced a mega hit album in "This is Us"

I smell a contradiction. Backstreet Boys? Mega? Hit?

 

[Haarithan]

Only teenage girls and confused teenage boys listen to Backstreet Boys

Thats your way of seeing it . I am basically a lover of melody songs

I smell a contradiction. Backstreet Boys? Mega? Hit?

If at all not mega hit , then "hit" atleast. There are one too many good songs in Masquerade, Bye Bye love, This is us , Shape of my heart , Bigger , etc.

* Anyways this discussion ends now *

 

[BKB1991]

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

...This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.