The Jokes Thread

[KrishnamurthiN]

A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated. She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice. She said "I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm nude."

With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled "Come on baby, mama needs new clothes! As the Dice came to a stop, she jumped and yelled "Yes, Yes, I Won.. I Won.."

She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and clothes and left. The dealers gazed at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked "What number rolled on the dice?" The other "I don't know, I thought you were watching."

Moral of the story..
1. Not all drunks are drunk
2. Not all blondes are dumb
3. But all men are men!!! - Courtesy a page from Facebook

 

[zeustrojanstark]

Autobiography Of Mr. Penis

When I Was Young, I Was Cute.

All Loved To Wash Me.

Now, All Suck Me, Stroke Me, Put Me In Dark Slippery Hole.

 

[Ohm]

Husband: I found Aladin's lamp today .
Wife: Oh! Darling, What did you ask for me ???
Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times .
Wife: Oh! Love you so much! Did he do that ???
Husband: NO! He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.

Joke from a Facebook page.

 

[spooony]

Breaking news about Nelson Mandela...

He has a new sponsorship deal from Duracell.

 

[Markkkkk]

What if every band had the name 'gays' in them?
Sleeping with gays
Pierce the gays
Of gays and men
Green gays
One Direction
My gay romance
Blessthegays
avenged sevengays

 

[BlitzBerg]

Mark with gays.

And you know there are multiple meanings for Mark on PC.

 

[Markkkkk]

Mark with gays.

And you know there are multiple meanings for Mark on PC.

I tend to not find them out for a long time

 

[GlitchInTheMatrix]

1. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

____________

2. Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "and what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

------------

3. A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having
dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the
butter?'

"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

------------

4. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "That driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

------------

5. TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with
prepositions."

TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"

 

[zeustrojanstark]

A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

 

[VC the slogger]

A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and sees Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, now get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replies, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic. My forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

 

[GlitchInTheMatrix]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
''Isn't it wonderful?'' Brad exclaims. ''All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.''
''He's happy now," says the nurse. "But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his a**.''

 

[zeustrojanstark]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

 

[Samuels]

gay men

Gay men!! What next? lesbian men?

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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Yeah, heard that one. The difference was the warning said, 'Error! Its too short.'

 

[zeustrojanstark]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

 

[GlitchInTheMatrix]

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, ?Whats that?? She says, ?Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.?
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, ?Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.?